Letting it out.

I've been drawing on fabric.  And writing.  The writing feels like one of the most difficult things I have ever done and it's amazing to me how much I will do to avoid it.  But I've been doing it.  It's hard because I am remembering so much and details not just about the abuse but about tons of things and it's difficult.  I also feel like the writing is exactly what is allowing me to draw so much.  So I'm going to keep going with it- writing and drawing.  Today I am also biking to the lake and going to the symphony tonight.  Here is one of the things I am working on:

Chautauqua therapy.

Ok... I wrote here last night about struggling some yesterday and then just now had therapy over Skype with my doctor.  I've spoken to him twice since I've been here and both sessions have been very productive and helpful ones.

The "art family picnic" thing from last night was triggering and difficult- I feel like I did the best I could.  I am also really excited though because I feel like I am finally starting to be able to think about myself and my life as more than just the abuse that I survived.  FINALLY.  Also:  HALLELUJAH.  It has taken me a ton of work to get to this point and many times my doctor has said, "You're more than what happened to you in the past."  And I've looked at him and heard the words but not been able to tolerate the message at all.  I think I wasn't able to tolerate it for many many reasons- mostly because not knowing about myself and my own thoughts and feelings has been how I've been able to hold back a lot of feelings and memories of the abuse.

Anyway- I will keep writing here- I just wanted to write that I am feeling a lot better this morning, that I had a really good therapy session and that.... that I am feeling better.  After years of therapy and working to heal.... I feel like it is working.  The healing.  The feeling better- the ability to feel better.  And it feels good.  xo

p.s.- Also- I am going to try to remember that the next time I am about to tell someone about my dad- I am really going to ask myself:  Why am I about to talk about this?  What am I trying to tell myself here?  What does this mean?  Because really... fuck him.  He has taken up far too much space in my life and I don't want to keep allowing him to have more.  And I get to make that decision now- I didn't in the past- but I can now.

Today was good! And then not...

Oh!! Today started off so good in so many ways... I've been sleeping really good since I got here and I swear I am feeling more rested than I've ever been in my life.  I woke up early this morning after a great night of sleep, had coffee, wrote, drew, went to a drawing seminar and drew during all of that, had lunch, biked to the big lake and back, wrote........ and then went to a picnic tonight.  The picnic was for the art students here and every art student gets paired up with a family here.  They used to call it "adopting an art student" but now they call it a sponsor or something like that.  Anyway- I haven't been telling everyone here about my father or what he did to me or about my family or that I have no connection to any of them.  I have told a few people- my roommate and couple of other people- but I decided NOT to stand up in front of a the group of 38 other art students and declare from the rooftops that I'm a survivor of incest and on and on.  Today was one of the first times I've ever been able to talk about my art in what felt like a really real way and not even think about having to say anything about my dad.  And I feel like it's good and sort of... I think it's sort of good.  I mean:  I don't want to introduce myself by saying: Hi my name is Jenny and my dad blah blah blah....  If anyone looks for my art online they will find this out and I am not in denial about it- I just don't want to tell everyone about the details of it- but then sometimes it just feels impossible to not explain.  So this evening- after a good day and good 28 mile bike ride- I ate.  I ate and let the other two art students who are being sponsored by the same family talk.  And then they started to talk about having us all over for dinner next week and it felt like everyone was talking about their lives and families and so I spoke to them separately before they left the picnic and told them about my father and that I have DID and that I still struggle a lot sometimes.

BECAUSE HOW WAS I NOT GOING TO MENTION IT???????  THEY WERE GOING TO COME TO MY STUDIO AND SEE THE PINK DRESS I AM DRAWING AN IMAGE OF A MAN WHO WAS ALMOST EATEN IN HALF BY A SHARK DOWN THE FRONT AND WHAT WAS I GOING TO SAY THEN???????????

Now I'm going to cry and then go to bed.

I'm going to keep writing while I am here but a lot is going on and it might be a little sporadic.  I'll try to write as much as I can.  

Chautauqua.

So I am at art camp.  It's actually the Chautauqua Institution but I keep calling it art camp.  A friend from school drove me up yesterday.  It's right on Chautauqua Lake and close to Lake Erie.  The above photo is of Lake Erie- I rode my bike there today.  Seven weeks of drawing and visiting artists and water.  I was so happy when I got to the big lake that I cried.  I love it.  Tomorrow we get our studios and have a few things to do- on Monday and Tuesday we have a "drawing marathon".  After that I'm planning on biking to the big lake as much as possible.  I carried a bunch of stones back in my backpack.  I didn't bring any paper with me and I'm planning to just draw on clothes and fabric for dresses.  I did buy a little sketchbook for the drawing marathon but then I started collecting paper bags and larger sheets of found paper to draw on for that.  Anyway- it is beautiful here and I feel very happy and grateful to be here and the water makes me feel so much better.  There is a library here and they were having a book sale and I bought a bag of books for $5 and a bunch of them are about birds- so I might start drawing from those.

Seven weeks near water.

Tomorrow I leave for my art residency. I'll post images and write from there. I'm taking my bike, my drawing supplies and I'm really excited. :-)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 21)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 20)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 19)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 18)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 17)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 16)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 15)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 14)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 13)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 12)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 11)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 10)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 9)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 8)

Lllllloyd.

Olive and Jenny. (Day 7)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 6)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 5)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 4)

Olive and Jenny. (Day 3)

Olive and Jenny (Day 2)

2012

About the "Olive and Jenny Collaboration".

Earlier I posted two drawings here.   One made by my friend Olive and the other by me.  Olive's art blog is wonderful and you can find it here.  I'm going to be posting a drawing by each of us every day until the 21st of this month.  We both are working through things right now and decided that a collaborative project would benefit us both.  :)

Olive and Jenny (Day 1)

I keep thinking I am going to start mailing you things and when I saw this I thought it would be perfect.