This is a detail from my drawing.

This afternoon.

This morning I had therapy and after it I felt both sad and anxious. I feel like there are a lot of days when I can force myself to draw or sit or focus on something- this afternoon hasn't really been one of those days. Today I've just kind of been running around anxiously at school and haven't gotten a lot done.

I think it's the sadness. It's hard to really feel the impact of the sadness from the things I talk about at therapy- so instead of just being able to sit with the big sadness of it all- I kind of try to run from the hurt and the sadness.

I am typing this in my tent, in my studio and being in here helps me feel more calm. I am calming down and feeling better. I wonder how the afternoon would have gone if I'd just gone straight from therapy to here. Anyway- tonight there is a lecture, then I'll bike home. I've been making some smaller drawings and sewing a dress.

Opera, fort.

My friend made this collage- I really love it. I almost skipped my therapy this AM. Missing my therapy is something I almost never do- it feels like the stronger I get the harder this work is though and then sometimes now I want to just stay in bed and hide. I didn't though. I biked here and now I am waiting. After this I have to run an errand then go to school and this afternoon I have a critique with a visiting artist. Between all of that I am going to be sitting in the tent in my studio listening to opera and drawing.

Wednesday.

Today was kind of a hard day- feeling sad about some stuff and a few struggles- I'll try to write more soon. Here is a drawing I made at art therapy.

FORT!!!

Last night I didn't feel good, then I had bad dreams. Today I finished hanging my installation of drawings and I have therapy in a few hours. So I'm not feeling great... But I just got this tent from a friend. And I am going to keep it in my studio as a fort. I'm going to bring blankets and pillows and put my radio and a bunch of drawing supplies in it. Right now I like my studio more than ever. Oh!! And I can keep piles of library books in the fort! Fantastic. Probably everyone who has been abused needs a fort. Probably everyone who hasn't needs one too.

"The nearness of the wound to the gift."

This is from the NYT book review; on the new Jeanette Winterson book, 'Why be happy when you could be normal?'.

Extreme happiness; served with bacon. (Drag brunch.)

This morning I woke up to the above card taped to the wall and a bag with some very amazing soap and lotion in it; a gift from my roommate Ashleigh and her sister.  Then we all got dressed up and went out for drag brunch.  It was fantastic.

The place was completely packed, the food was fantastic (brunch/southern comfort foods!) and then a drag performance.  It was SO MUCH FUN.  I was so happy- it was fantastic.

I feel like an outsider so much of the time- I actually have a drawing in the big piece at school that in one place I wrote:  I feel like such a fuck-show-freak.  I didn't feel that way today.  I was really happy and told by more than one amazing drag queen that I was gorgeous too.

It was just amazing.  Now I am sitting with David in my living room listening to Bach and typing this.  I'm going to draw and work on a dress I've started sewing.  I've been having a lot of memories and thoughts that keep coming up- in my dreams and throughout the day- it is good to have so much support and so many good things around me- it makes me feel like I can keep going.  I keep reminding myself that even though the memories are more than painful- they make me feel almost physically sick- I already survived all of those horrible things from the past and I am safe and healthy now.  

I've started writing more and I am trying to not fight the memories and thoughts so much.  I am trying to just let myself remember the past and be grounded by all of the good things in the present.  I am loved by a lot of good people, I have a great home now and I feel safe and loved here.  I have my art and pets and my bike- a lot of good things.  It is still hard to think about the incest and some of the most painful memories- lately I have been thinking so much again about lost pregnancies- this time of year reminds me of something particularly painful- but as I continue working on recovering from the past- I have the very good present.  

And I've started watching a few episodes of "RuPaul's Drag Race".  It's pretty fantastic.  :-)

The best I can.

Yesterday I had a really good day and I did ride my bike home after the concert. (The concert was fantastic.)

Last night I had nightmares and then a really painful memory this morning.

I've been trying to stop cutting my hair off... I'm not there yet. I shaved my head this morning.

Today I baked for a friend. I'm doing the best I can. I think that's a lot.

Photos from today. :-)

Smile. :-)

I just took a picture of my dinner because I am happy. I had a really productive day- school, drawing and writing. I was meeting my roommates for a concert- but they weren't able to make it- so I am going alone. And I just had dinner while I wait for the concert. So I was really productive today and I took care of myself by eating three times and tonight I'll hear Beethoven. In the past I would never have gone to this concert alone- but it is just too good to miss and I was running late too and debating not going and I just thought: MOVE TOWARDS THE THINGS YOU LOVE. Run towards them. So I ran and made it to get my ticket in time. And Beethoven always makes me feel like the world is such a better place. And because I had a great dinner... I might bike home tonight. (I love biking at night.)

Getting better is so FOREIGN and I realize the more I let go of the ideas I had before of how things would be- the better I do. And the more I hold onto the truth and stay out of denial about the abuse and about the divisions in my mind- the more I am able to do and I am able to think with much more clarity.

And I am wearing one of my RACE TO STOP CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE shirts to the concert. :-)

Tonight I am going to the symphony.

So my drawing is mostly up. I might do a few more small things to it yet. This AM I had therapy, went to school and added a few things to it, then came home.

And last night I got my nose pierced.

Oh! And we started getting the New York Times delivered to our apartment and I just couldn't be happier about that.

Putting this dress on has made me want to draw on more dresses. I think that will be what I do next. :-)

Drawing big.

Today my friend Ashleigh helped me install my drawing. It is almost 23 feet tall and composed of many pieces. I'm not sure if I am done yet- I might add a few more things or draw some right on the wall. I am really pleased with it so far though. I hope I feel the same when I see it tomorrow. I'll take more photos and write more about it soon. :-)

Good, night.

Some of the biggest progress is very hard to see.

I feel like I didn't do very much today- but I went to class, walked six miles, ate three small meals, did errands and drew. I think maybe I just feel really really sad. I want to keep writing here- but I feel like I don't have a ton of positive things to say.

Today I was going to hang my drawings at school- but there wasn't time- so it was just decided where everyone is putting their work. Tomorrow I am going to put my drawings up. I've been kind of dreading it and then hating that I am hating anything about making art- so I asked one of my roommates to come with me and help. I want to have fun installing the drawings- not feel like it is serious and awful. It is lucky and a huge privilege. So we're going to organize it all and hang it together in a few hours. Then I'll probably do more drawing.

This is one of those times when the best I can do is not really very great- but I am also not hurting myself at all- and I want to keep remembering that really is great. These are two drawings I made today.

I literally want to jump on my bike and runaway today. I'm waiting for that feeling to pass.

Talking, drawing.

When I first met my therapist I told him I was there because I was not able to finish my drawings.  I told him I was unable to draw as much as I wanted to and that I didn't know what was wrong or why I couldn't draw more- but that I needed to be able to make my art.

The next time I went back I started to talk about my dad raping me.  Now it's been more than eight years of working to know my own my mind, to tell the stories about what happened to me when I was growing up and to begin to knit it all together.

And now it is the night before we install our first year MFA show in the museum and I feel anxious.  I feel anxious because I still wish that the past could have been different, that I had a different story to tell, that I had not been hurt so much.  I feel sad that I will stand in front of my own big huge violent painful (but hopefully kind of beautiful in someways) drawing and know that all of the really hard things I have been working on accepting are true.  I usually feel like I want to hurt myself when I get this anxious.  I sort of have that tonight- but I am working on still more writing and drawing and talking and not taking harmful action- not creating more hurt because I hurt.

This is a small drawing I made earlier today.  It is about how sometimes when all of everything about being human is too awful to think about I just step away and pretend I am a cat.

I had therapy tonight and it helped to talk to my doctor, I am writing here and this helps me, I am walking home with my roommate and friend tonight.

Recovering from the abuse often feels impossible- but I try to keep reminding myself that is just the feeling of it and that it is actually happening- I am getting better.  In a just a few weeks I will be done with my first year of graduate school.

Better today.

So I made it through the house/animal sitting and now I am back 'home'. Two of my three roommates cook and one of them made an AMAZING dinner tonight. Oh- it was just fantastic. So that was great and I am glad to be back here and glad to be feeling... at home. It is weird but good. This new apartment really is great- big and sunny and nice. My cats are happy here and we have a dog and she is great too. Tomorrow I am going to start my day off with a good long bike ride and see if that doesn't get things going in a better way for the day. This isn't a great photo of my bike- but I just had it rebuilt and I'm really excited about it so I took a quick photo.

Tonight I was saying that my hair is making me feel kind of crazy and I'm thinking about shaving it and David reminded me I want long hair, that this moment of wanting to cut it will pass and then went on to say that he thinks I can rock an afro. Which is exactly what I will have with the humidity in DC. It made me laugh- a lot. But I kinda think he might be right... ;-)

Bicycle bicycle.

Today I rode my bike 25 miles. It was the first time I've ridden since I started school in September. I've been walking a lot- but I didn't want to get anxious and just go off and bike 50 miles instead of being at school or drawing... so I just walked to school and didn't bike at all. But I missed it and I was getting sick of just walking and I've been having a lot of anxiety- but I don't want to take more medication- I just take one now and I'd like to even go off that soon. The biking helps with my anxiety.

I have six more weeks of classes this semester- I am not going to let myself ride more than a few hours each day because I want to be drawing a lot as well. But a good twenty or thirty miles a day really helps me feel like I can sit and draw for longer. I know it is kind of a lot- but so is this anxiety, so is the pain I still struggle with a lot. So I am really grateful I can go for a fairly long ride and that it helps me to calm down. I was so happy to be out riding today- I started thinking how this summer I might bike to the Midwest to visit some of my closest friends. :-)

More talking.

This is me with a drawing/painting I have been working on.  Across the bottom it says:  There was a mess to clean up and I was living it.

Today I'm not feeling great.  I keep thinking about riding my bike away from everything- but I need to draw and work on my art for the show.  I'm hoping I'll start to feel better when I draw today.

It's helping me to be able to write here again when I just let myself write about however I feel.  I wrote the other day about how in the past I've felt like I needed to make it sound like I am feeling ok when I write here... especially since I am in graduate school now, especially since I have been working to recover from the incest for more than 8 years.  But surviving 25 years of incest, working in therapy for 8 years and now being in grad school- it is a lot.  It is a huge amount of stuff to deal with- it is a huge amount of living to... live.

I made so many choices in the past which I regret and a lot of them were informed by the pain I had suffered and I was not able to talk about it very well and so I reenacted a lot of old pain and hurt myself again.

My greatest progress is that I am talking more and acting out old scripts of the past less.  That does make me feel good.  I'm doing fine in school and a lot of things are going better- it is because of talking.  More talking and less reenacting.  It will be great when there is talking and writing and drawing about the past and the living in the present is really about the present.  I feel like that is slowly starting to happen.  It is slow, it is painful, it is a lot of work- but it is real and it is happening.

I look really unhappy in this photo- lol- but I am happy I am drawing big.  Making big drawings makes me happy.

I feel better from just having written this.  And now I actually am able to go back and read my own writings.  Now I am going to go draw.  Big.  ;-)

Poem for today from "The Writer's Almanac".

Prayer

by Marie Howe

Every day I want to speak with you. And every day something more important
calls for my attention—the drugstore, the beauty products, the luggage

I need to buy for the trip.
Even now I can hardly sit here

among the falling piles of paper and clothing, the garbage trucks outside
already screeching and banging.

The mystics say you are as close as my own breath.
Why do I flee from you?

My days and nights pour through me like complaints
and become a story I forgot to tell.

Help me. Even as I write these words I am planning
to rise from the chair as soon as I finish this sentence.

"Prayer" by Marie Howe, from The Kingdom of Ordinary Time.

My roommates.

These are my three roommates; they're fantastic.  They took this photo last night and I've been smiling about it all day. :)

Magic marker horse. Meat grinded brain. Hell of a mess.

I can hardly believe how painful it is to continue to have less dissociation. I know it is good- but it hurts. It is very hard to explain but it is like everything is loud and bright and close and big and near. It is like my senses have been muted all my life and now they are being turned up and a little more each day and it feels like I am always running out of hiding places.

I've been working at this gnarly mess of hurt and pain for so long and it still feels like there is so much left. I'd never give up now though. I've come too far and I am too angry about how much people try to turn from the painful problem of incest.

Today I felt like my brain was being run through a meat grinder. I was anxious all day and then I finally burst into tears. I think I've always tried to keep things kind of positive or hopeful when I write here- or for a while now anyway. I know things are the best they've been- it is still a huge hell of a mess and the pain of it everyday is sickening.

The things that make me feel better are biking and walking, drawing, cats, laughing, good friends, opera and coloring. Coloring is different from drawing.

Today I mailed out 12 Race to Stop Child Sexual Abuse t-shirts.

I hang my drawing in the first year MFA show next week. I am still struggling with a title for the piece. I've been thinking of calling it: THIS IS A DRAWING ABOUT A LOT OF HURT AND A LOT OF LOVE.

A different course of action (non-action).

This week is my first spring break from graduate school. I'm dog sitting, going to therapy and getting ready for the first year MFA show which will be hung next Tuesday. I'll take a photo of my piece in the show and post it here after it is up.

I just had a conversation with Eve about not acting out old scripts of abuse anymore- but using words to tell the things I need to say instead. It is good; it is often very painful.

One thing we just spoke about on the phone was that I am going to grow my hair out. I've shaved my head for so long- because my father used to like my hair long, because he used to pull it, because I wanted to look like a different person, because I was scared to be attractive, because I wanted to say: I WAS HURT AND I'M STILL HURTING. So there was all of that and then me being either bald and kind of hating it or with very short hair and looking like my mother. And the later of those two things- the thing about looking like my mom- that is a post for a different day.

Anyway- I am going to let my hair grow out but instead of trying what I have tried in the past- trimming it as it grows out and trying to have cute short hairstyles- I'm just going to let it grow. I'm just gonna let it grow and be kinda wild- it gets really curly really fast. So anyway- a different way of going about things. I never really wanted to have a stylish short haircut- I wanted my long hair back but I was too afraid to do it.

It is very overwhelming to live everyday with so much less dissociation than I had in the past. It is painful, but things are getting better. I have three great roommates, a lovely apartment, I'm almost through my first year of school, my two cats are healthy and I have a lot of very good friends who love me. This is the best my life has ever been and even though I still have rough days- I know that is part of the healing and that I will keep continue to get better.

Notes to self, drawings (always in progress, all ways).

Race to Stop Child Sexual Abuse.

Thank you for the positive comments on my recent posts.  It helps me to feel like I should keep trying to write here more and I always feel better then too....  So thank you!!

This year I am going to run again in the Race to Stop the Silence- Stop Child Sexual Abuse.  I wish the race was called "RACE TO STOP CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE".  Last year when I ran it I made my own t-shirt and wore it.

This drawing on the left is what I am going to wear on a t-shirt this year.  A friend of mine at school is going to help me screen print some of them and I already have 7 people who are going to wear the shirts with me to the race. Two friends are running it with me and I am really happy about that.

The info about the race is HERE and if you are going to be in DC on April 29- contact me and I'll happily give you one of these shirts to wear!!!

Healing.

The above photo is of two of my friends and new roommates.  Today we had an amazing lunch made by Ashleigh because it is David's birthday.

I was happy that I was able to sit with them and eat.  I was grateful that the daily struggle in my head is so much better- that I have days that are the best I've ever had.

I am in my second semester and school is going better.  I feel more calm.  I am able to be more present.  I still have a lot of anxiety- but I am working on that and a lot of other things- but I am so grateful for all of the things that are starting to work in a better way- mainly... my own mind.

I was telling Christopher the other day that when I am feeling bad or starting to really struggle- I have to stop and remind myself about what happened to me- that I was raped for more than 20 years.  Then I am able to take a breath and think, "What is really happening right now that is upsetting me?", "Why am I struggling?", "What is this really about?".  And then I am able to figure out which part of my thinking is upset and why.  Then I am able to feel better.

It is new.  It has taken me more than 8 years of work to get to this place.  It is hard; but this is the best I have ever been doing and feeling and I know I continue to heal.  I'm enormously grateful that thousands of times I told myself to believe Dr. C when he said it would get better even though it was like I could not see it at all.

For a really long time I thought 'getting better' would in some way mean 'getting away' from horrible truth and pain of the past- it is the opposite.  I was always trying to get away from that.  I had to run toward it to finally start to move toward really healing.

It is so much work each day.  But it is worth it.  School is going well, I have friends, I've been biking.

And I'm drawing.  I am drawing everyday.  And I am seeing Christopher.  And I... I think I am finally starting to get to be me.

:-)

xo

Jenny

work in progress (detail)

Happiness.

This is one of my new roommates. Last night she made an AMAZING potato leek soup from the Silver Spoon cookbook. It was delightful. As I type this I'm sitting in our living room listening to an opera on the stereo. This morning I went running. I'm happy.

Drawings.