Ok... I wrote here last night about struggling some yesterday and then just now had therapy over Skype with my doctor. I've spoken to him twice since I've been here and both sessions have been very productive and helpful ones.
The "art family picnic" thing from last night was triggering and difficult- I feel like I did the best I could. I am also really excited though because I feel like I am finally starting to be able to think about myself and my life as more than just the abuse that I survived. FINALLY. Also: HALLELUJAH. It has taken me a ton of work to get to this point and many times my doctor has said, "You're more than what happened to you in the past." And I've looked at him and heard the words but not been able to tolerate the message at all. I think I wasn't able to tolerate it for many many reasons- mostly because not knowing about myself and my own thoughts and feelings has been how I've been able to hold back a lot of feelings and memories of the abuse.
Anyway- I will keep writing here- I just wanted to write that I am feeling a lot better this morning, that I had a really good therapy session and that.... that I am feeling better. After years of therapy and working to heal.... I feel like it is working. The healing. The feeling better- the ability to feel better. And it feels good. xo
p.s.- Also- I am going to try to remember that the next time I am about to tell someone about my dad- I am really going to ask myself: Why am I about to talk about this? What am I trying to tell myself here? What does this mean? Because really... fuck him. He has taken up far too much space in my life and I don't want to keep allowing him to have more. And I get to make that decision now- I didn't in the past- but I can now.