Today I was really overwhelmed. My first day back in DC after my trip and so much happened and I left the day after I was done with school. I was overwhelmed and needed to process things and decompress. And I had therapy at ten AM today- so it was like: Welcome back to Washington and UGH!!!
But it's ok. Therapy is so hard; knowing my own thoughts is still so hard. But I'm doing it. It's not just the memories now- it's the very fragmented memory of the life I'd thought I'd had which was full of black holes and gaps and now the filling in of those spaces. There is all of this weaving together of this memory and the meaning of that thing I was doing and the feeling I kept having there... And it is good- it is exactly what I have been working for- but it is sad and painful and very difficult and I so often still want to go into denial. But I am getting better with it. It takes practice. It takes a lot of practice to sit with the hurt and the feelings of sadness- but it's possible and I'm much happier for it.
Today I drew, biked and ran. I keep doing these five or six mile runs and feel good afterward- maybe I will run a marathon one day. There is no marathon to bring awareness to child sexual abuse. Maybe I'll create one. And I would surely run in that. :-)