For a long time I thought my biggest work to recover from my trauma was to accept the truth about the abuse and that it happened. But then I really didn't want to deal with all of my feelings about it. The good and bad and sad and hurt and a ton of other feelings. The shame. Oh the shame. Anyway- I have had all of these feelings and memories and then body memories and I wanted it ALL TO JUST DISAPPEAR. And it was like I was willing to accept the abuse in a certain way... I just didn't want to have any feelings about it then.
But that was like me saying: I accept that I am real and alive... but I am too scared to live. And I have been. But I feel like I have been starting to live more and I know that is just going to continue to happen. I have been healing, I have been growing and it is going to continue. It's painful. Putting together all of my own stories with my own thoughts and feelings and really feeling and being real... it is hard. I've lived most of my life NOT FEELING and actively working to BLOCK OUT FEELINGS.
But I really don't want to block out the feelings anymore. I understand that I can't have just the good feelings without the sad feelings. And in order to free myself from the pain of my past I need to start going back and asking myself: Which way of being me was there for this experience or that one? How did I feel? How did I feel at other times? How do I feel now?
In the house I grew up in there wasn't really space for feelings. We all just did what my dad said. We all behaved the way he wanted us too. And after I was away from him I kept behaving in the same way because that is what I knew.
Having feelings is messy. My parents wanted a black and white household and that was not real at all. There was NO SPACE there for feelings. They wanted everything to look pretty and be ok but things were neither pretty nor ok.
So it is a mess to have real feelings and to live a real life. I feel hurt, I cry, I'm ashamed, I hate myself, I hate my body, the way I look, the things I do or say- I have to ask why and what does it mean and what is this really about?
And it is kind of a mess. It's messy to live. But at least it is real and so am I.
I am going to start listening to more music. My friend sent me this yesterday. :-)
But that was like me saying: I accept that I am real and alive... but I am too scared to live. And I have been. But I feel like I have been starting to live more and I know that is just going to continue to happen. I have been healing, I have been growing and it is going to continue. It's painful. Putting together all of my own stories with my own thoughts and feelings and really feeling and being real... it is hard. I've lived most of my life NOT FEELING and actively working to BLOCK OUT FEELINGS.
But I really don't want to block out the feelings anymore. I understand that I can't have just the good feelings without the sad feelings. And in order to free myself from the pain of my past I need to start going back and asking myself: Which way of being me was there for this experience or that one? How did I feel? How did I feel at other times? How do I feel now?
In the house I grew up in there wasn't really space for feelings. We all just did what my dad said. We all behaved the way he wanted us too. And after I was away from him I kept behaving in the same way because that is what I knew.
Having feelings is messy. My parents wanted a black and white household and that was not real at all. There was NO SPACE there for feelings. They wanted everything to look pretty and be ok but things were neither pretty nor ok.
So it is a mess to have real feelings and to live a real life. I feel hurt, I cry, I'm ashamed, I hate myself, I hate my body, the way I look, the things I do or say- I have to ask why and what does it mean and what is this really about?
And it is kind of a mess. It's messy to live. But at least it is real and so am I.
I am going to start listening to more music. My friend sent me this yesterday. :-)
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