Over the past several years I've come to see the pattern of how things emerge when I am (finally) able to allow myself to think about things I had been blocking out. It usually takes a few days- at first there is a thought and then the thought kind of vanishes. Then there will be another small piece or idea- then it be like I am starting to know what I am thinking. It is hard to explain because it is a strange process. But it is strange too to not know fully all of my own thoughts in one space and instead to have them 'compartmentalized'. Weird too then is the uncompartmentalizing part of this work. I think the reason it takes a few days for me to fully form the thoughts is that there is a kind of 'sharing' happening in my brain and between the different streams of my thought. And there is my dissociation and the difficulty of tolerating now things I'd not been able to tolerate in the past.
Anyway- I've become familiar with the pattern and so when it starts now- with just the flicker of an image or idea- instead of it taking a long time to become clear- sometimes now I am just like: OH SHIT (closer to the start of the whole process).
Unless it's something really big. In which case it still takes several days for me to understand what I am thinking and to be able to tolerate the thoughts at all.
This time it took a week. It feels like it took the full 8.5 years of my therapy and then the past full week to communicate to myself a very painful memory/thought/feeling.
And oh what a week it's been... I wasn't just working out the idea in my mind either (unfortunately)- there was a 'performance aspect' to it as well. By that I mean: There was something I was actively doing in my daily life to try to describe the thing I was trying to describe to myself. And it wasn't good- but I didn't hurt myself at all. So it was painful- but I am ok. (I feel like my previous post here was another sort of note to myself in which I was trying to remind and tell myself to stop trying to tell things by reenacting them).
And I'm actually doing really well because this enormous thought/feeling that I needed to say has been said (and aloud this morning in therapy). And usually after something really large that I need to say is said there is A LOT OF RELIEF. This time I was actually feeling the relief part before I even got to therapy- that has never happened like this before- this was a very big thing I needed to say.
So now I am feeling good. And relieved. And even when something feels 'off' or difficult.... I feel like I have this very different point of reference- a thing to remind myself of that pulls me back into reality and clarity- at the same time. A new point of reference. And the getting it out felt like it was going to KILL me.... but it didn't. I do feel better. A lot better.
I can't really write about the details here because it is too new and while good- very painful too. I will though- I will write about it soon. I'm working on it. It too is a process. Maybe I'm about halfway on this piece- I'd say I'm at about stage 3- bargaining. ;-) Because I sure do wish things could have been different...
Anyway- I am trying to write here more- so maybe this post is a bit of a mess or unclear- but it's what's going on- so I'm writing about it and in the best way I can.
Meanwhile... 4 more weeks until I leave for my artist residency- which I keep referring to as "summer camp". Because it really does feel like a big, huge, delightful gift of art summer camp for adults and I am SO EXCITED!!!
Next Tuesday I'm going to see the Bolshoi at the Kennedy Center and I'm completely excited about that, too.
And I've really been into my tumblr blog and the looking at images and then putting certain ones together. The images are down the left side of my blog here and the link to it is HERE.
More soon.... :)
Anyway- I've become familiar with the pattern and so when it starts now- with just the flicker of an image or idea- instead of it taking a long time to become clear- sometimes now I am just like: OH SHIT (closer to the start of the whole process).
Unless it's something really big. In which case it still takes several days for me to understand what I am thinking and to be able to tolerate the thoughts at all.
This time it took a week. It feels like it took the full 8.5 years of my therapy and then the past full week to communicate to myself a very painful memory/thought/feeling.
And oh what a week it's been... I wasn't just working out the idea in my mind either (unfortunately)- there was a 'performance aspect' to it as well. By that I mean: There was something I was actively doing in my daily life to try to describe the thing I was trying to describe to myself. And it wasn't good- but I didn't hurt myself at all. So it was painful- but I am ok. (I feel like my previous post here was another sort of note to myself in which I was trying to remind and tell myself to stop trying to tell things by reenacting them).
And I'm actually doing really well because this enormous thought/feeling that I needed to say has been said (and aloud this morning in therapy). And usually after something really large that I need to say is said there is A LOT OF RELIEF. This time I was actually feeling the relief part before I even got to therapy- that has never happened like this before- this was a very big thing I needed to say.
So now I am feeling good. And relieved. And even when something feels 'off' or difficult.... I feel like I have this very different point of reference- a thing to remind myself of that pulls me back into reality and clarity- at the same time. A new point of reference. And the getting it out felt like it was going to KILL me.... but it didn't. I do feel better. A lot better.
I can't really write about the details here because it is too new and while good- very painful too. I will though- I will write about it soon. I'm working on it. It too is a process. Maybe I'm about halfway on this piece- I'd say I'm at about stage 3- bargaining. ;-) Because I sure do wish things could have been different...
Anyway- I am trying to write here more- so maybe this post is a bit of a mess or unclear- but it's what's going on- so I'm writing about it and in the best way I can.
Meanwhile... 4 more weeks until I leave for my artist residency- which I keep referring to as "summer camp". Because it really does feel like a big, huge, delightful gift of art summer camp for adults and I am SO EXCITED!!!
Next Tuesday I'm going to see the Bolshoi at the Kennedy Center and I'm completely excited about that, too.
And I've really been into my tumblr blog and the looking at images and then putting certain ones together. The images are down the left side of my blog here and the link to it is HERE.
More soon.... :)
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