The one thing in my life worse than the abuse I survived was having to pretend it didn't happen because it felt too painful to know about. Not fully knowing about it saved my life during the abuse and after it. As I've worked for the past several years to know the truth about my own life and my mind- still my own denial about the abuse inside of my head has protected me in a lot of ways. But my ability and even my wish to deny it is less each day.
The problem about denying my past was that I never got to be in the present and then there was absolutely no possibility to think of a future.
I struggle everyday with my thoughts, my body, my mind, my everything. I am grateful though because in the past I just was trapped inside of my head. The more I get clear about the abuse and am able to sit with the truth- the more I am able to be clear in my present mind and sit with myself. It is a gift and it is a hard one- but I think a lot of the best things take a lot of work.
I still wish everyday the past had been different, that I had not hurt myself so much after my father stopped hurting me, that I had not hurt other people because I was hurting. But I can not change any of that. I just work to accept it now. I work to accept it each day and to remind myself that each day I get to live differently now. I am no longer being abused and I am not abusing myself or anyone else.
I have a lot of sadness about all that was taken from me by my family and how much I lost even after my connection to my family ended. I cry a lot still. But it is better. It is better to feel the pain than to be shut off and to feel nothing at all.
Today I've been struggling a lot and I keep coming back to ask myself: What is really wrong? It's old feelings, old hurt. I am so angry and sad and... wounded. But I keep going.
I draw everyday now. (I love that.) Today I have been drawing, I am going to go for a run with a friend and then I will draw more tonight. I am trying to finish a dress covered in drawing before my final critique next week and this Sunday morning I will run the 8k "Race to stop the silence and end child sexual abuse".
So I'm carrying on. Hurting sometimes, struggling often, laughing sometimes, drawing often.
It feels incredibly difficult to live with this reality but I know it has gotten easier and I am sure it will keep going that way. For a very long time I felt like I was just surviving. And that was a lot- that was huge- surviving was EVERYTHING. But now I am living. I struggle a lot- but that is part of life and I am finally in my own life now. And it really does feel like a mess a lot of the time- the up and down, the wishful thinking still and the different streams of my thoughts- but it's my mess and more days now I am finally happy to have it.
The problem about denying my past was that I never got to be in the present and then there was absolutely no possibility to think of a future.
I struggle everyday with my thoughts, my body, my mind, my everything. I am grateful though because in the past I just was trapped inside of my head. The more I get clear about the abuse and am able to sit with the truth- the more I am able to be clear in my present mind and sit with myself. It is a gift and it is a hard one- but I think a lot of the best things take a lot of work.
I still wish everyday the past had been different, that I had not hurt myself so much after my father stopped hurting me, that I had not hurt other people because I was hurting. But I can not change any of that. I just work to accept it now. I work to accept it each day and to remind myself that each day I get to live differently now. I am no longer being abused and I am not abusing myself or anyone else.
I have a lot of sadness about all that was taken from me by my family and how much I lost even after my connection to my family ended. I cry a lot still. But it is better. It is better to feel the pain than to be shut off and to feel nothing at all.
Today I've been struggling a lot and I keep coming back to ask myself: What is really wrong? It's old feelings, old hurt. I am so angry and sad and... wounded. But I keep going.
I draw everyday now. (I love that.) Today I have been drawing, I am going to go for a run with a friend and then I will draw more tonight. I am trying to finish a dress covered in drawing before my final critique next week and this Sunday morning I will run the 8k "Race to stop the silence and end child sexual abuse".
So I'm carrying on. Hurting sometimes, struggling often, laughing sometimes, drawing often.
It feels incredibly difficult to live with this reality but I know it has gotten easier and I am sure it will keep going that way. For a very long time I felt like I was just surviving. And that was a lot- that was huge- surviving was EVERYTHING. But now I am living. I struggle a lot- but that is part of life and I am finally in my own life now. And it really does feel like a mess a lot of the time- the up and down, the wishful thinking still and the different streams of my thoughts- but it's my mess and more days now I am finally happy to have it.
2 comments:
Knowing that you are pushing yourself through the pain inspires me to push myself. I'm not always the best with sitting with the feelings. This post is brave and beautiful, and I love you so much!
While I cannot identify with your circumstances, I very much love your strength and the way you share it. I can only imagine what simply reading your blogs means as a source of release to others. Thank you for sharing your life.
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