Today I'm not feeling great. I keep thinking about riding my bike away from everything- but I need to draw and work on my art for the show. I'm hoping I'll start to feel better when I draw today.
It's helping me to be able to write here again when I just let myself write about however I feel. I wrote the other day about how in the past I've felt like I needed to make it sound like I am feeling ok when I write here... especially since I am in graduate school now, especially since I have been working to recover from the incest for more than 8 years. But surviving 25 years of incest, working in therapy for 8 years and now being in grad school- it is a lot. It is a huge amount of stuff to deal with- it is a huge amount of living to... live.
I made so many choices in the past which I regret and a lot of them were informed by the pain I had suffered and I was not able to talk about it very well and so I reenacted a lot of old pain and hurt myself again.
My greatest progress is that I am talking more and acting out old scripts of the past less. That does make me feel good. I'm doing fine in school and a lot of things are going better- it is because of talking. More talking and less reenacting. It will be great when there is talking and writing and drawing about the past and the living in the present is really about the present. I feel like that is slowly starting to happen. It is slow, it is painful, it is a lot of work- but it is real and it is happening.
I feel better from just having written this. And now I actually am able to go back and read my own writings. Now I am going to go draw. Big. ;-)