It's a relief to finally understand the person I've been missing most has been myself.

Repeat.

Someone from school introduced me to DeVotchka and now I keep listening to them.  I love this cover.

So I got through my first semester of school and then I went to the midwest to be with some of my closest friends for Christmas.  It was a great trip.  Now I am back.  I have a few weeks before school starts and I plan to be drawing during that time.

Last night I started thinking how I need to come back to writing here.  I always think I am avoiding my blog because I am avoiding some person or persons who might be reading it- but it is never that.  It is always about avoiding myself.  And while I learned a lot of things this semester- I learned more clearly than ever:  Don't try to fight it.  And by 'it' I mean me.  Me and the truth about both my mind and what happened to me.

It's so hard to give up the wishful thinking- even with all of the progress I've made and all of the work I've done- I still want to undo painful events of the past that can never be undone.  So I still have to work each day to stay out of the denial.

I had this conversation with my doctor a while ago and then over Christmas with my good friend Heather....  At first there is just the denial of the abuse.  Then there is this way that I went back and forth between the denial and the truth.  And I could only tolerate the truth in small bits and it went on like that for years... then there is this new place- it is like I can not tolerate the denial or the pretend hardly at all.  It was back and forth, back and forth for so long- then there is this time when even though it feels just terribly painful- I have to just stay with the truth- everyday and as much as I can.  And at first it seems like a torture in itself- but it isn't.  It's the opposite of torture.  The pretending I was not hurt was what made me feel crazy and terrible.  Sticking with reality and the truth allow me to be present and feel sane.  Sticking with the truth allowed me to go through my first semester of graduate school.  Staying with myself and the truth is what allowed me to be with some of my best friends for Christmas and it was wonderful.

There was all of that teetering back and forth between the 'urge to tell the truth and the urge to deny'.  Then there is this other place- where I have to just lean all of the way into the truth.  And I am going to keep doing that.

Le Creuset, Christmas. :)

Christmas tree bicycle. (Love.)

Drawing.

Bear. Sadness, love.

Amazing Christmas card.

Someone I love told me about this song. Thank you. xo

Images of my final piece from the first semester.

Images from my final critique at the end of my first semester. (Sorry they are kind of blurry!)

Oh... Hi.

I can't believe I went a week without writing anything here.  Last week was my final week of class.  Tomorrow and Thursday are the final critiques for the semester.  I've spent the past week working on a large drawing.  A large drawing which today I cut up into a bunch of pieces and then reconstructed.

Here is an image I took at some point before the big cut-up and reconnect happened:

I'll post an image of it when I get it finished.  Now it's kind of glossy with packing tape and magazine images and a lot more drawing.

Anyway- I made it through my first semester of graduate school.  Yesterday I talked with my doctor about the things that went well this semester and some of the things that did not go so well.  "Food" was at the top of that second list.

I'll post an image when I get the drawing done and write more soon.

 It's the last week of classes and I'm working on a larger drawing and trying to get it done by next Thursday.  These are details from it and I will post an image of the whole thing as soon as I am done with it.

Champions.

drawings.