October 31, 2011
October 28, 2011
October 27, 2011
October 25, 2011
Like this.
From Out the Cave
When you have been
at war with yourself
for so many years that
you have forgotten why,
when you have been driving
for hours and only
gradually begin to realize
that you have lost the way,
when you have cut
hastily into the fabric,
when you have signed
papers in distraction,
when it has been centuries
since you watched the sun set
or the rain fall, and the clouds,
drifting overhead, pass as flat
as anything on a postcard;
when, in the midst of these
everyday nightmares, you
understand that you could
wake up,
you could turn
and go back
to the last thing you
remember doing
with your whole heart:
that passionate kiss,
the brilliant drop of love
rolling along the tongue of a green leaf,
then you wake,
you stumble from your cave,
blinking in the sun,
naming every shadow
as it slips.
at war with yourself
for so many years that
you have forgotten why,
when you have been driving
for hours and only
gradually begin to realize
that you have lost the way,
when you have cut
hastily into the fabric,
when you have signed
papers in distraction,
when it has been centuries
since you watched the sun set
or the rain fall, and the clouds,
drifting overhead, pass as flat
as anything on a postcard;
when, in the midst of these
everyday nightmares, you
understand that you could
wake up,
you could turn
and go back
to the last thing you
remember doing
with your whole heart:
that passionate kiss,
the brilliant drop of love
rolling along the tongue of a green leaf,
then you wake,
you stumble from your cave,
blinking in the sun,
naming every shadow
as it slips.
October 22, 2011
October 21, 2011
October 18, 2011
October 15, 2011
October 12, 2011
Finally feeling a lot of unfelt feelings.
I repressed most of my feelings about how much I had been hurt because it was impossible for me to really feel them at the time I was being hurt. It would have been impossible- it would have been too much. So I separated myself from all of my feelings. But my feelings were still there. And I have always had them and they come out in displaced ways and over displaced things because I have not wanted my real feelings to be what they were really about.
But all my original feelings from all the abuse have always been in me and sort of waiting to be felt. And apparently now I am feeling like I can tolerate knowing more of my own feelings... so that is what is happening. And instead of reacting like I used to and trying to run away from my own mind and reactions. I am listening to myself. And I am also having to say aloud a lot: THIS FEELING WILL PASS. I AM HAVING A FEELING ABOUT THE PAST AND IT IS GOING TO PASS. THAT IS THE NATURE OF FEELINGS.
This week I have been having feelings about how difficult it was to go away from my family 8 years ago. I was terrified and even though I was able to go away from them and start to work on healing- I was scared for a really really long time that I would not be able to survive without them. And now I am thinking how even that- even the feeling I had 8 years ago when I finally went away form them- even that was probably about how I felt when I was really very very little. When I was little I felt like I needed them to help me or I would not be ok. And then they did not take good care of me and then I really was not ok. But I've not been able to put all of my own story together in that way and so I've still been walking around sometimes feeling like if I am not attached closely to another person- that I will not be ok. But I am ok by myself. I am fine. I was not fine when I was a child- I needed to be taken care of but I was hurt. I limped away and worked for a long time to get better. I am still getting better, but I am understanding that I am ok and that the feeling of "I need to be with someone, I am not ok alone"- is actually a feeling from my childhood. I was alone and I was not ok. Now I have a large group of wonderful people in my life and I am ok.
Here is a chalk drawing by Walker Evans.
But all my original feelings from all the abuse have always been in me and sort of waiting to be felt. And apparently now I am feeling like I can tolerate knowing more of my own feelings... so that is what is happening. And instead of reacting like I used to and trying to run away from my own mind and reactions. I am listening to myself. And I am also having to say aloud a lot: THIS FEELING WILL PASS. I AM HAVING A FEELING ABOUT THE PAST AND IT IS GOING TO PASS. THAT IS THE NATURE OF FEELINGS.
This week I have been having feelings about how difficult it was to go away from my family 8 years ago. I was terrified and even though I was able to go away from them and start to work on healing- I was scared for a really really long time that I would not be able to survive without them. And now I am thinking how even that- even the feeling I had 8 years ago when I finally went away form them- even that was probably about how I felt when I was really very very little. When I was little I felt like I needed them to help me or I would not be ok. And then they did not take good care of me and then I really was not ok. But I've not been able to put all of my own story together in that way and so I've still been walking around sometimes feeling like if I am not attached closely to another person- that I will not be ok. But I am ok by myself. I am fine. I was not fine when I was a child- I needed to be taken care of but I was hurt. I limped away and worked for a long time to get better. I am still getting better, but I am understanding that I am ok and that the feeling of "I need to be with someone, I am not ok alone"- is actually a feeling from my childhood. I was alone and I was not ok. Now I have a large group of wonderful people in my life and I am ok.
Here is a chalk drawing by Walker Evans.
October 11, 2011
Today I saw a lot of things that made me happy.
Today one of my classmates went to the zoo and I went with. I had this big internal debate before we went about how I should be spending my time and then I got there and then a gorilla walked out and I was completely happy. The gorilla was beautiful and huge and gorgeous and completely fascinating to watch. There was actually a family of them. There was a little baby gorilla and a really big huger older one. One of the zoo staff gave them all these long black tubes that were stuffed with food while we were there and we got to watch them all work to figure out how to get the food out of the tubes. It was lovely.
Being at the zoo makes me happy because it makes me feel better about people and animals. It is good to see people taking good care of animals and it is good to be reminded of how incredible nature is.
It also makes me REALLY happy to remember every day that I am free and safe and that I can choose to do things each day that will bring more beauty into my life.
This morning another friend said something about the drawings of Merce Cunningham. I didn't know he drew. Here is one of his drawings and if you google "Merce Cunningham drawings" you can see more of them. :-)
Dear Happiness: I can see you now and I am looking for you each and every day. Love, Jenny Sawle
Being at the zoo makes me happy because it makes me feel better about people and animals. It is good to see people taking good care of animals and it is good to be reminded of how incredible nature is.
It also makes me REALLY happy to remember every day that I am free and safe and that I can choose to do things each day that will bring more beauty into my life.
This morning another friend said something about the drawings of Merce Cunningham. I didn't know he drew. Here is one of his drawings and if you google "Merce Cunningham drawings" you can see more of them. :-)
October 9, 2011
October 7, 2011
Today is my 34th birthday. :)
I am happy and I feel very good.
My birthday wish for myself this year is for all of my mind to know fully that I am safe now and that it is 2011.
S: I will always love you. Always.
October 6, 2011
October 5, 2011
Chaos.
The main way I kept myself from knowing about the things in my life I could not tolerate knowing was to create chaos. When dissociation alone was not enough; I created chaos all around me.
I've worked to stop dissociating so much from reality and the truth; I need to keep working on staying out of the chaos pattern.
The problem with stopping the chaos is that then there is the stillness. The stillness in the moment and the stillness of reality. The stillness of the truth. And I worked so hard and long to avoid it and I was so good at it. It is difficult for me to sit with myself and my own story.
Last night I was home from school earlier than usual and I thought: "I don't like being in a house at night. It makes me feel panicked."
And that's what it's like- that big, that much: I don't like to be in a house at night. Or I didn't, anyway. When I was growing up and living with my mom and dad- being in the house at night was a kind of hell.
Now it is ok. It can be good even. What I need to realize is that I am trying to still tell myself a story- about how I used to be scared to be in a house at night.
This is the sixth week of graduate school. The most difficult thing about being in school is... the stillness. The standing still and then the clarity. And seeing myself so clearly connected to a story I worked so hard to disconnect myself from for so long.
I've worked to stop dissociating so much from reality and the truth; I need to keep working on staying out of the chaos pattern.
The problem with stopping the chaos is that then there is the stillness. The stillness in the moment and the stillness of reality. The stillness of the truth. And I worked so hard and long to avoid it and I was so good at it. It is difficult for me to sit with myself and my own story.
Last night I was home from school earlier than usual and I thought: "I don't like being in a house at night. It makes me feel panicked."
And that's what it's like- that big, that much: I don't like to be in a house at night. Or I didn't, anyway. When I was growing up and living with my mom and dad- being in the house at night was a kind of hell.
Now it is ok. It can be good even. What I need to realize is that I am trying to still tell myself a story- about how I used to be scared to be in a house at night.
This is the sixth week of graduate school. The most difficult thing about being in school is... the stillness. The standing still and then the clarity. And seeing myself so clearly connected to a story I worked so hard to disconnect myself from for so long.
October 4, 2011
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