:-)

studio

From my desk. :)

Polyhedron origami. :)

I'm going to get new glasses. :)

I didn't want to hear me.

For a long time I felt like the struggle inside of myself was about the need to communicate the story about my past to other people; how to do that- how to communicate the story.

I was wrong.  The internal struggle that I have always felt has not been about communicating my own story and memories to other people.  The struggle has been about communicating my own stories to myself.

Also, something I have started to think about in regards to my drawings:  In the past there were so many painful events that happened which I had no power to change.  My art still feels like it is very much about the past and it is still sometimes difficult for me to make.  I am going to start thinking about the formal elements of the drawing; composition, line, color, the kind of materials I use and the kind of marks I make.  The pain of the past is there and the narrative of that pain continues to come out in my work- I still need to describe things about the past and that will just be there until it is not- but I can make decisions about how I present it.

Through decisions about line, color, composition and space; I will finish telling myself the stories I have not been able to tolerate fully knowing for most of my life.  I am going to keep working to tolerate the pain of the past so that I can be and live more fully in the present.

B.

I haven't been writing very much here in the past few weeks... I got a little overwhelmed with the start of school; but I am starting to feel less overwhelmed and I will write more soon.  The poem on the blackboard wall of my studio is something a friend of mine wrote.

Sketch.

Today.

I heard this performed last night; it was fantastic.

Poem for today from "The Writer's Almanac".

Nonsense

by Matt Cook

His grandmother, for example, was pathologically no-nonsense.
He was aware, then, that his nonsense was
Built on the backs of a lot of other people's no-nonsense.
He would have apologized to everyone for his nonsense,
But he understood how little sense it made to apologize for nonsense.

It was difficult enough for him to drive a motor vehicle.
Driving was a function where nonsense was not permitted.
When the traffic light turns green, you absolutely must go,
Whether or not it is the truly beautiful thing to do.
He was the first generation in his family to have a problem with this.

(is this hurting you?)

In my head today.

I know I've posted this video before.  I love it though and it makes me happy.  This morning I drew from a live model and that was pretty great.  Tomorrow I am making a rather large painting.

Drawer drawing.

Today I drew a lot. I had therapy and it was difficult- but then I felt a lot better and got a lot done.

Thank you.

Someone left me this comment on the post below this one last night:
(Thank you.)

Hang on. Stay here. You are profoundly brave, courageous, strong. Completely inspiring. You make beautiful, breath taking art. You CREATE beauty in this world by being in it. You have no idea how much your blog, your art, your words, your honesty and integrity have helped me these past few weeks. I've been slowly reading through your blog and soaking in your art and story. I really do wish there were words that could convey and articulate the impact your story, your truth has had on me. It's given me the courage to keep showing up to therapy, keep speaking my truth, it's inspired me to pick up a paintbrush again and let some of the pain seep out and soak into a canvas. It's reminded me that I am not alone in facing this horrendous atrocity. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being brave. You are real. it's 2011. and you, Jenny Sawle, are a beautiful soul. With much love and admiration.

- M

Dear studio wall: I've got good news for you.

I love you PFM.

1 minute in my studio.

The physical repercussions of rape are extraordinarily minor compared to what happens to your heart and mind.

I'm a 12 stepper.

Ok....  I've been going to Survivors of Incest Anonymous for more than 2 years.  And then I read through all of the steps and slogans with Eve and it helped us both SO MUCH.  Then Heather and I read through all of the steps and IT HELPED US BOTH SO MUCH!!!

I've decided that instead of just reading the 12 steps of SIA... that I am actually going to work them.  I am actually going to answer the questions after the steps and write and think about how the steps apply to me and how I can apply them to my life.

I am cringing emotionally right now... but I am just going to carry on through that.

Does anyone want to join me in a working of the SIA steps?

Leave a comment here or email me.  I just updated my Skype to the latest version; we could do a conference call on it.  Maybe one step a week for the next twelve weeks?  Let me know your ideas.

If you need a copy of the twelve steps; leave me a comment or email me and I will send you a copy.

At the end of every SIA meeting we stand in a circle, hold hands and say the serenity prayer.  After that we say together:  KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT SO WORK IT BECAUSE YOUR WORTH IT!

Work it.  You are worth it.  We all are.

Art comrade.

studio, love

All my roads leading to the same place/space.

My first week of school went well.  I haven't been blogging much because I have been at school and pushing furniture around in my studio and starting to draw.

I'm thinking about taking a couple of things out of my studio and making it so I can draw on all four of the walls.  Right now I have things started on just three.

I will write more soon and upload images of drawings... so much has changed in the small space of a week.  It is fantastic to have the studio.  I've had trouble sleeping every night this week because I have been so excited. And I keep feeling like everything I am doing is something I'm doing so I can get back to my studio and draw.

Now I'm going to do a few small errands and some cleaning... so I can go to my studio.

I'm glad I don't make 3-d work... everything is on the walls and then that leaves a really big dance space.  It's like that.  ;-)

Drawings, detail, take back.