July 31, 2011
July 29, 2011
July 28, 2011
So in other good news: I HAVE DECIDED I AM GOING TO STOP HATING MYSELF NOW. I was talking with a friend yesterday and she was saying it seems like I am kind of ok about the younger ways of my thinking but then that I seem to get into a lot of blaming and being angry at the older ways of being me who were raped by my dad. And it is true. I have HATED myself for the fact that the rape went on into my twenties. I have had so much shame and pain around it- it has been very painful to move forward. This morning I told my doctor it has always been easier to hate myself for what my dad did to me (especially when I was older) than it is to know how much he really hurt me and how trapped I really was. Just yesterday someone said to me: "Couldn't you have called the police on him?" I just said, "It wasn't like that, really."
Here is what it was like: It had been happening since I was a tiny child. The rape had always been happening and for so long it never really even seemed like rape to me or I could not view it in that way anyway. I imagined my dad was my boyfriend; I had to in order to survive. And when I finally went away from him it was both an enormous relief and a wretched kind of heartbreak. When it finally ended when I was 25- it had been happening for all of my life and so living without being raped was truly more confusing and painful than the living with it had ever been. I know maybe that is difficult to imagine; but it was what I knew. It was how it was and how it had always been. And then it wasn't. And then it was totally different.
As I type this now I realize this is probably part of the reason I am being so triggered into thinking about these things now... I was raped until I was 25, then the past 7.5 years in therapy to work to heal and now I am about to start school. Most of my life was about being raped and surviving that and then surviving knowing about what I had blocked out. And now, suddenly, my life is about something more. And my life is different than it has ever been before. And it is not really about starting graduate school; the real change is that I know my own mind. I know my own story. I know my own story and the fact that I am still alive and able to tell it?? That is the gift that came from my dissociated mind; staying alive. So I am going to start redirecting my rage with none of it pointed back at myself. It really was never my fault. Not when I was young, not when I was a teenager and not when I was in my twenties.
I've always hated myself so much... I couldn't know why I was hurting or who had hurt me and I was the only target then. But not anymore. I will not hate myself anymore. I carried that shame for all of my life but I will not carry it any longer. I have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame belongs to somebody else.
July 27, 2011
July 26, 2011
July 25, 2011
This afternoon I have therapy. That should be interesting. It's such a big change- I can't really figure out if I am anxious or excited. And here is the main thing: The past two nights I have woken between 2 and 3 AM. I rarely wake up in the night. Both times I was able to fall right back to sleep- but when I woke this morning I felt really panicked; my dad used to come into my room in the middle of the night... between 2 and 3 AM. He used to say he had an 'internal alarm clock'. I woke feeling sick and anxious because.... there is a whole way that the reality of the grossness and pain of him in my bed and bedroom and me for so many years I know has not fully sunken into me- and it feels like it is more clear and real to me all of the time.
My plan is to carry on. I worked on my apartment all morning, talked to Eve and did a little drawing. Tomorrow I am going to go to the library. I'm going to ride my bike and see if that helps take the edge off.
I need to just keep reminding myself that no matter how terrible the memories are: THEY ARE MEMORIES. I already survived my parents and all their pain. I am healthy and doing well. I am sad, but I can live with that.
Winston's little bed in the window made me happy because he has been up there all morning. Talking to Eve helped me to feel better. Unpacking and drawing all helped me to feel better. I ALWAYS feel happier on my bike and even though I am a little anxious about what I will even say in therapy or what will come up- it always helps me to remember that I am safe and ok. Tonight I am meeting Christopher for dinner and then more unpacking and drawing.
I hooked up my stereo. I started to listening to music. I will need to get a second one for my studio before school starts.
This post feels like a mess- but I do to- so I guess that is perfect then.
July 24, 2011
This is my mind telling me that I have to go ahead without their support.
And I am. I already have been for a really long time.
July 23, 2011
July 22, 2011
I was getting some supplies for my new apartment this morning & I got 5 more sets of the alphabet magnet letters. I was walking out to my car thinking of how I will be able to write more now that I have 17 sets of the letters. Then I suddenly realized: I HAVE A REFRIGERATOR NOW!
And I've been happy ever since. ;-)
July 21, 2011
This morning I biked in for therapy and had a terrible memory on the way there. I cried while I rode. My friend Heather explained what it is like when the memories "come back". She described them as being like an old t-shirt shoved in the back of your drawer which you have not seen in years. And then you see it and you're like, right... I remember you. And I remember wearing you here and there....
When my memories "come back" or more like- when I am finally able to fully tolerate having my own memories/thoughts- it is a bit more like finding an old t-shirt which I tried to bury under a mountain. Only it didn't work. And then there is that old t-shirt that I tried to bury. And instead of thinking "Oh, I remember you." It is more like I am thinking: Oh my god, I've always had this memory... I JUST DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS ME OR MY T-SHIRT.
I am starting to be able to do something I've not been able to do very well until very recently; remember in a very clear way the thoughts/feelings/memories... and then go on with my day. It is difficult. After the bike ride today, the memory, then therapy... I was tired and sad. I biked on, worked, called Eve and told her about the memory, she told me about her day and I was able to go on and get things done.
I'm moving in 2 days.
As I was coming home tonight I was thinking about something which I have been trying to 'grasp' recently. The first 25 years of my life were spent being abused and never able to speak about it, the last almost 8 years I have been in therapy to recover from the first 25. And that's been my life. NOW... there is this huge change happening and I'm really excited about moving and starting school.
It's very difficult for me to describe the way I am feeling because.... my whole life has basically been defined by surviving the abuse and then surviving trying to work through knowing about it. Now I will start school and work towards my MFA as I continue to do therapy. This is such a huge turning point. I keep feeling like: Can I make it? Can I do this?
I am finally starting to be able to LIVE with knowing about my own past. I am able to have a life and be present in it. I'm really excited.
I've worked so hard to get to this place! I feel like I might need a song for this moment, lol. Feel free to offer suggestions. Because OH YEAH.... I am listening to music again. What a relief.
July 20, 2011
The above image was created by my friend Heather Jerdee. Her blog is here.
I'm going to write more about Heather soon; she's a brilliant artist. She and I are doing a project together. We are both taking self portraits for one year and posting them to a blog we created.
The address for the project is: www.survivorsofincest.com
Amazing that we bought that domain name for $10! Who said every good dot-com was taken???
(Dear Heather: I pick that one too. Love, Jenny)