(I tried to think of one thing I will miss about you. May 2011)
When I was little I used to sleep with a blanket up over my head; only my nose, a little of my mouth and part of one eye exposed. It was a part of my rape prevention program. I can hardly believe I am laughing as I type that... but you have to laugh about some of this crap or you really will go crazy. Anyway- when I was young I started sleeping with the blanket over my head like that and just the smallest bit of my face exposed. And then it continued. Forever. Until recently. I think last summer I started to have a little freedom from it- but really- I've slept like this for most of my life. And not just one blanket- no. The real 'blanket crisis' does not involve one blanket- it involves a thick layer of blankets. And since rape was not a seasonal issue in the place I grew up in- neither was my blanket protection program. It was 12 months a year and completely regardless of temperature. I thought I liked winter best- it was really just that it wasn't as hot under the blankets then.
Summer has been a nightmare for all of my life actually; in regards to this issue and a few others. (Sometime I will write about the crisis of SHORTS and my fear of exposing and my own legs and also the very idea of their existence.) Of course no matter how much I mummified myself in my bedding- it was always naught to my abuser who would unbundle my little body and have away with it.
You can hardly imagine the trauma I experienced when I dated someone who actually felt "trapped" by having the sheets and blankets tucked in at the foot of the bed. It was a nightmare. Don't worry- I still love you- but really- you were working away at the core of my survival. NOT TUCKING IN THE SHEET?? It was terrible.
Anyway- it seems I've revealed so much of the truth to myself that I can finally lay my body down on top of the bed at night and not mummify myself. Fantastic.
And maybe this post seems like a bit of a rambling rant; but last night I had a major nightmare and I am hesitating to go to sleep tonight.
My nightmares can be absolutely terrifying. Here's an example of what I mean.
My nightmares can be absolutely terrifying. Here's an example of what I mean.
3 comments:
It does not sound rambling. And i am glad that the blanket crisis has passed. I love you.
Keep going.
Wow!! You are amazing. It's funny sometimes that I get so caught up in myself....I think I have problems. I think that I have things I need to work through, but you are actually "doing something" about the issues that are plaguing you. Congratulations to you for freeing yourself. I'm so glad I have found this blog. Thank you for being so open and honest!! I think you are a tremendous help to many, many people.
ka
Hi Jenny,
I was wrapped up in a blanket all year round as well. I call it cocooning. I was finally able to stop doing that for the summers a few years ago. I think of it as some kind of need to express some control on my environment, because I had none.
When I was involved with my boyfriend and we would sleep in the same bed at night I would have another blanket under the one we shared and have it wrapped up around me. He thought I was weird. He never understood, even though I told him I had abuse issues. He preferred to live in his own mind rather than reality.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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