(The three ways of being A., April 13, 2011)
I want to be quiet more. Speak less. I want to take things in and put them out in a better way than I have been. I want to feel healthier- about myself. I don't want to talk bad about anyone. Why is that so hard to do? I am sick of it though and it really has to stop. Anxious for my laundry. How easily my mind slips away from what I want it to focus on. I am having a hard time with that now- I keep getting up to do things and then coming back. My mom, dad- problems deal with them in the summer? Sometime. Eat It before it eats me. Fix the leak, the whole damn mess. Why is something wrong? Is it my memory? Is something wrong with me? Did something bad happen to me? It couldn't have. But did it? When will I be sure? I need to know. One way or the other- I have to figure or find out soon. Is that what all of this craziness has been about lately? The panic attacks, the nightmares. Please just let it have been anyone but Dad. I don't want it to be him. I could hardly write that word here. DAD. I hope my dad never did anything to intentionally hurt me. And I don't think I should have to feel bad for asking. Something made me ask. I feel sure that this will all become clear!? Maybe it wasn't that at all and I am just looking for someone to blame my problems on. Why though? Why AM I DOING THIS? Why can't I remember more? Why is my memory so bad? If something happened to me- Why don't I remember- but why am I even asking about it, if maybe it wasn't real. Because you are tired of all of the questions I will give you some of the answers. It was before you were born at all and it wasn't you but to someone else you loved. Is that true? Yes. How do I know. I will prove it to you and in time you will know I am right.
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I wrote that four years before I finally said out loud for the very first time: My dad raped me. It makes my stomach churn to think of how much I suffered carrying the secret of his rape in silence for so long.
After I started talking about there being 'different ways of being me' my doctor asked me once how long I had known about that- the different ways of being me. I remember thinking: Always.
5 comments:
you could have just stepped into my life and written about me. the similarities are uncanny. you make me feel so much less alone in this world and in this journey. thank you jenny. thank you.
to have always known and yet at times to have never known at all. to have been myself even when i was somebody else. paradox.
it never ceases to amaze me how long this healing journey takes - how many long lonely years it takes. and it never ceases to amaze me that it is possible at all.
Thank you gracie. You help me each day with your words here. It is a hard and often painful journey. I am glad we have each other; here on opposite sides of the world. More paradox in that. Thank you.
Jenny
Oh My Goodnes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoa, this is wonderfully and horribly amazing.
i'm right where you were in 1999. i have some memories, and more come each week. i know i was raped, repeatedly. it's just the who that eludes me. i hope it wasn't my dad. but i think it was. my therapist is walking beside me as i go through this. she says i may never know. that's not enough for me. i want to know...
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