Drawings in progress, planner cover.

6 drawings from art therapy today.

Recognizing that the feelings of desperation are from the past.

Yesterday at the end of a difficult therapy session Dr. C reminded me (again) that all of this painful work is in fact 'workable' and that the things that feel 'intolerable' are in fact 'tolerable'- that I will learn to tolerate the painful memories. He also said something about me eventually being able to put the feelings of 'desperation' in perspective and not carry them around with me in the present. A lot of times it is not just 'anxiety' that I have- it is an old and very enormous feeling of extreme desperation. And it is good to think about those being memories of old feelings and being safe now in 2010.

Collaborative drawings.

Ache.

Today I had my art therapy group and a memory came back to me from the past today. And it is a huge one. And a year ago I would not have been able to tolerate the thought. I keep trying to remind myself of this- that I am only tolerating these memories now because I feel able to... on some level anyway. As I was talking about the memory today every other sentence out of my mouth was "Do I need to go to the hospital?". And I am not sure it was really a question for the 2010, 32 year old me. And I am not going to harm my body anymore- so I do not need to go to the hospital- it is just so painful to let the repressed memories come up- they feel like 'an emergency'. And it hurts and I hate it and I wish I was done remembering being hurt. I will be glad when there is no more remembering new thoughts and all of my thinking is aligned and aware of the date.

Sunday morning.

I know I posted a few days ago about feeling like I can finally 'see' the end of this work of recovery- and I do feel like that is true. I also am seeing a small ocean of tears between this place that I am in now and the end. Perhaps I will build a small boat for the trip.
I have always cried a lot- more than most other people that I have known. And maybe I am not really crying any more than usual- but I am just becoming more aware of... everything. And also I am crying a lot. A lot of grief. A huge amount of grief. I am feeling better than I have ever felt and sadder too. But it is an ok sad- it is more of a real grieving about the past. I will keep trying to write more.

Hallelujah.

For a very long time I was not sure I could ever really get to the end of this difficult journey of recovery. But now for the first time in my life I can see that I am going to make it. I never really could SEE how I could get through to the end... but now I feel like I can. I can see it. I can imagine healing fully and going on and having a good life.

Assistant shopper.

Sorry for the lack of posting. I just wanted to post a couple of images quick and mention that I am ok. And I have been doing a little outlet shopping with my sister. I will try to write and post more soon.

Drawing from art therapy last week.

I feel like I am fighting off a cold. So today I went back to bed and slept another ninety minutes. Then I went out for a long run. In the rain.