Things I can only think about when I am running.

Thursday I had a really hard therapy session. And I felt pretty bad afterwards and for most of Friday too. Right before my session on Thursday I jogged for 50 minutes. Yesterday I walked for about 8 miles. This morning I woke up feeling ANXIOUS and I took the dogs out for a 20 minute walk. By the time we got back it was just starting to snow and I was looking out the window for a minute wondering, "Can I jog in the snow?". I really just started jogging again and seemed a little cold... but I have so much anxiety and not much seems to help relieve it but a large dose of exercise. So I got dressed to go out running and by the time I got outside again it was really starting to snow. And I ran for 60 minutes. 61 actually because I did not really want to stop but I made myself. I had a lot of painful thoughts while I was running but the great thing is that they pass. I feel like I can tolerate thinking about the past or having memories when I am running (easier than when I am not) because I feel very 'in the present moment'. So while some of the memories are hard or painful- they come, I feel sad and then my mind goes on to the next thing. And even if I sort of get stuck around the same ideas for a bit or even feel shocked or sick- it always changes eventually. I was worried about what the weather will be like when I go to Minnesota on February 9th and will I be able to run?! When I got back this morning I had ice on my eyelashes. Yes, I will jog when I am in Minnesota.

And I was not happy about the snow this afternoon because I did not get to see my sister today, but I was happy about it later because it was a huge amount of work to shovel it away. And I am having all of these... feelings... and that is hard for me. But it is good that I am running and doing physical things instead of hurting myself (of course).

"My god is good in the kitchen"

The above is the drawing I have been working on... one of many I have going right now. I like that it is a huge sheet because I can fold it so that I do not have to look at all of the painfulness of it all of the time.

And I love this Tracy Chapman song. I keep listening to it over and over. I need something to counter the pain. This helps a little.

Poem for today from "The Writer's Almanac".

Something Else

by Nin Andrews

Sometimes you say I'm something else,
and you mean I'm good, really good,
but honey, don't say that, please?
Reminds me how my dad used to say,
I'm just not myself today.
As if here were some kind of imposter dad.
Then he'd ask things like:
Why don't you go play with James?
Has the dog had his walk yet?
Will you kindly get out of my cotton-pickin' hair?
Sometimes he'd come home from work
carrying his hat and a brown paper bag,
and I'd know he wasn't my dad.
There were at least three daddies then,
sort of like daddy A, B, and C.
Like that TV show. Which will it be,
bachelor 1, 2, or 3?
My mom often said he wasn't the man
she married. And I thought about that.
How, when they were married,
I wasn't me, either. I wasn't anyone.
I didn't like to dwell on that.
It kind of gave me the creeps,
but I liked to ask,
Were you really in love then?
Of course, she'd say.
Did you hold hands?
Yes.
Kiss in public? Sit on his lap?
Yes, yes, I did all that. Once
She even showed me photos
she kept in her lingerie drawer
beneath her slips and silky things
she never wore anymore: him
in his spats and slick-shined hair,
her in a pink crinoline cocktail dress
with her long bangs clipped back
in pearly barrettes. Not a thought
in her head, except maybe
Don't I look swell? And
Love me. And he did.
Did he say so?
He said it every day.
He was something else back then.

Wall drawing video.

Here is the first of the four parts of the wall drawing video. (This is the project I did in Venice during the first 3 months of last year.) The four parts add up to about 40 minutes of video. If you want to view the other three parts just click on the video above and the rest are on YouTube as well.

You can also watch the entire drawing (48 hours of working) happen in a very quick 4 minute version HERE.

"The hands which give are taking,

And the hands which take bestow:

Always the bough is breaking

Heavy with fruit or snow."

-William Soutar

Anxious exerciser.

Today I walked and then jogged and then got out my bike and rode for 15 miles. I drew and went to therapy and went to a free program about ballet at an embassy before I came home.

Now I have to calm down and go to sleep. I wish it was warmer out. I would go out for more biking. Tomorrow it will not be as nice as it was today but I think I am going to just bike anyway. And then I am going to knit mittens and bike in the cold.

In two weeks I will be going to Minnesota and I am looking forward to that.

I will post images of my latest drawing soon.

My therapy tonight was PAINFUL. Painful. But my new focus is thinking about the pain, acknowledging it, acknowledging that it happened a long time ago and NOT LIVING A LIFE OF FEAR ANYMORE.

Oh I love to be back on my bike....

Messness.

I have not been writing very much here and for a while now. I feel like I am really freaking out about reality and being real. The weight and matteringness of words often feel like too much for me lately.

Last night I had a nightmare and it has made me anxious to the point of hoping that if I write about it here... maybe I can sleep again tonight. I have not been sleeping very well for a while now. And I have started to walk and or jog a little every day. I feel like if I was not exercising it would be even more impossible to sleep. Last night when I went to bed I laid awake for a long time- lately it feels really hard to just stop thinking or worrying and shut off my brain and sleep. I feel like I am trying so much to be present and not dissociate during the days- that when night comes and it is time for me to 'shut off my brain'- it is harder for me to do now. Interesting. I spent about the first 3 or 4 years of my therapy sleeping A LOT. Sleeping a lot at night and during the day. Now I would never sleep during the day and I am struggling to sleep at night.

And then I had the nightmare. It was more like a very very scary dream and a memory and also a statement about my divided mind. It was a deeply terrifying dream and when I woke up I felt like I was going to be sick and I was planning to spend the day with my sister but I started to think I might not even be able to do that. I am doing better these days though and I quickly realized I should go and be with my sister because it would help me to feel better. So I wrote a long email to my doctor about the weird and awfulness of my dream and I went and spent the afternoon with my sister. That was good and while I was with her I did not think about the dream really at all.... But now I am back home and in bed and thinking about going to sleep and I feel anxious. I feel like even though it is 9:30 PM and raining out- I want to go out and run. But I am not going to. Because it is 9:30 PM and raining out and also because I am trying to slowly build up my anxiety jogging so I do not hurt my knees and end up just anxious and not running.

My dream was terrible and in it a person kept cutting me and taking bugs out from under my skin.

I just started reading this book and I like it a lot.

walk, jog, run, run, run.

"An Athlete of God"

I have been reading the book of NPR essays "This I Believe".

I love what Albert Einstein wrote (it is here) and the one by Martha Graham is brilliant and beautiful (it is here).

Working jean. (work in progress.)

Slow.

Saturday. (getajobyoufuckingloser)

___ ___ _____ ___ ___________ ___ _____ _______.

complicated

Different ways into the museum.

1000th post (!)

Multiply and divide.

willowy boughs

The above is the first photo I took when Stefano and I went to NYC.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I AM

I am willowy boughs

For coolness;

I am gold-finch wings

For darkness;

I am a little grape

Thinking of September,

I am a very small violet

Thinking of May.

by Hilda Conkling

Having DID is shitty and confusing.

Here are two more pictures from our trip to NYC.

Me. ?!!?!?

A certain little someone who was very cold while waiting outside the Guggenheim.

Strange and complicated.

This is a small painting I made in my art therapy group today. There is a woman in my group who paints a lot and inspires me to paint more. The last couple of weeks when she finishes a work she starts to paint on the newspaper that was originally put down just to protect the table. But the paintings are really beautiful so today I did the same and this is what I made. I am going to do some more work on the painting I started today and I will post it soon.

I really want to ride my bike but I am trying to wait until my cold goes away completely.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ !!!!!

2010

The above is a picture of Stefano and I on the Brooklyn Bridge.

I will be back to writing and posting images here.... but today is just a short post because I am feeling pretty sad.