You will want the pain to be about something different. You will want the reason you keep hurting yourself -to cover that pain- to not be because of the awful things that happened to you. You will be wishing all of the time that all those awful things that happened to you that you can not get out of your head- you will be wishing they were not real. You will wish you were mistaken and pray that you are crazy. You will want to be corrected but you will have no real hope or idea of what that could even mean. You will sit for thousands of hours in silence and try to undo with your thinking the thoughts that keep wanting to come forth to you and you will do everything you can in your mind to try to make those horrible thoughts seem not real. You will cry because none of this will work and at some point (after the thousands of hours praying that you are somehow crazy) you will know that what is in your mind is not illness but painful memories from your childhood that you wish had never happened.
5 comments:
This post went straight to my heart. I notice that everytime I think about being raped, I close my eyes very tight, wishing it would go away, but it never does, and that is the most painful part. The knowing...
I'm sending you all of my love and good thoughts that the pain will lessen day by day.
So true... Thank you for putting into words what I struggle to understand and express.
Thank you.
Take care,
CG
This is an amazing paragraph. It will be in your book someday. I love you.
As so often happens, Eve took the words right out of my mouth: it is an amazing paragraph, and reading it brought me still more understanding of you . . . and I knew, with an experiential realization that I was reading your book. I believe now that your book will be as much gift to yourself, as to others. I am glad.
D
one : i understand. thanky ou for writing such truth.
two : this is a different way of being you writing - welcome : )
grace from gracielovesme [ it will not let me use wordpress openID ]
Post a Comment