You will want the pain to be about something different. You will want the reason you keep hurting yourself -to cover that pain- to not be because of the awful things that happened to you. You will be wishing all of the time that all those awful things that happened to you that you can not get out of your head- you will be wishing they were not real. You will wish you were mistaken and pray that you are crazy. You will want to be corrected but you will have no real hope or idea of what that could even mean. You will sit for thousands of hours in silence and try to undo with your thinking the thoughts that keep wanting to come forth to you and you will do everything you can in your mind to try to make those horrible thoughts seem not real. You will cry because none of this will work and at some point (after the thousands of hours praying that you are somehow crazy) you will know that what is in your mind is not illness but painful memories from your childhood that you wish had never happened.