Yesterday I saw my doctor for the last time before his two week vacation. I am going to be spending 10 days in the midwest with friends but I am not leaving until this Tuesday. (I will be blogging from there.) Last night after therapy I felt really relieved that I am going to get a two week rest from my therapy work. I also thought, "What am I going to do between now and Tuesday?" I need to start working toward my new goals. I am going to draw and sew, sell my work and apply for graduate school.
I feel scared about moving ahead but I am more scared to sit in the present and try to hide from a past I can not change and a future that I want to create and make good. I am going through all of my things today- my drawings, my clothes, my art and sewing supplies and I am cleaning up and organizing my space and making room for change. I think I have been waiting for a time to come when I feel less scared. But no matter how much I overcome some fears there will always be new or other ones. So I am not going to pretend that I am not afraid but I am not going to let it paralyze me anymore either. I keep having these moments today of feeling completely overwhelmed while I am cleaning and organizing stuff- so I just keep sitting down and taking a quick break and thinking, "What is the one next thing I need to do?" And then I see it and then I do it. I get totally overwhelmed when I think all at once about how much more I want my life to change and the goals I want to accomplish- but when I pull myself into the moment and take the next little step ahead- I can make it. And I have already cleared a big space for sewing, moved some furniture and I am going to keep going on all of this. I can not really let go of my fears- but when I accept them I am more able to move forward.