A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty confident about my birthday (it is tomorrow and mostly now I am looking forward to the passing of it- I wish I had a better feeling about it- but I just don't right now). The past few years I have had a lot of sadness because I have 'missed my family'. And this year I finally felt like: I do not want to be around those people. And so I imagined I will not be sad. Except I actually feel worse about it all than I have in the past few years. I think this is because I am feeling more and more things feel real. So even though I am actually glad that I am not really in contact with my family... it is sad.
I am switching around between feelings of anger, sadness, depression, confusion, etc. I talked to Jessieh today and that helped me feel better.
I want to write more, go out and ride my bike, draw... but I am just fumbling around the house and trying to do just one small task and not cry and then I figure out what to do next.
This makes me feel a little better:
3 comments:
Happy Birthday for tomorrow : ) x
Happy birthday art constellation!
It seems from what you write, that your best course is to leave your original family behind. It seems your father was, I'm sorry, a criminal, far beyond an incompetent parent, and should be behind lock and key.
I think the solution for those of us with difficult pasts is to find new 'families'. Close friends we can spend holidays and birthdays with, people who really can care about us. I hope you can find this kind of 'new family', if you want to. You deserve it.
Ellen
I stopped seeing many of my family of origin and have gone through this for several years, so I can relate. I'm sorry that you are feeling so much and that it feels so overwhelming.
Happy birthday.
Kate
Post a Comment