This is a self portrait I just made. I am about to leave to bike into the city for my therapy. And a lot of me does not want to go. I feel almost ashamed of this self portrait and I had a moment where I questioned if I should even post it here. That moment passed. I have been starting to realize a lot of FEELINGS that I have that I have never really FELT before and SHAME is at the top of the list of the 'difficult' ones.
So anyway- I am not going to hurt myself, but a part of me would rather. (Rather than go into therapy, rather than go forward, rather than admit the REAL REASONS I HURT.) But I am also starting to really acknowledge the fact that I can not keep hurting myself and creating new pain for myself in the present because I do not want to be honest about where all of my OLD FEELINGS of pain are coming from. THE VERY LAST THING I NEED is MORE pain. So even though I FEEL like I want to hurt myself... I am not going to. And I am going to acknowledge that the reason I feel like hurting myself and so badly is because I was hurt so badly and then told to shut the fuck up about it. Well, I am neither going to be hurt anymore or be silent. And p.s.... That is a butterfly coming out of my head in the drawing and I take that to be one of the very best of signs.