I have not written here since Thursday and I WANT to write something but my mind also feels like such a wild mix of thoughts... it is hard to know where to go with all of it. I guess that 'wild mix of thoughts' is my point though. I am struggling a lot with the balance of knowing the truth about my past and starting to also now finally be able to think about MY FUTURE AND MY PRESENT.
It feels so hard to know about the past, to accept it so that I can finally let it go and move on and live my life in the present and FINALLY. The pain of the really knowing though- the pain of being really honest with myself- about myself and my mind- the pain pierces my heart. I have no real words to describe it.
I keep waking up in the mornings having to remind myself of the date, the year, my age, the fact that I AM SAFE NOW. And what a way to start the day.... I keep feeling like I CAN NOT TOLERATE THIS PAIN ANY LONGER!!!!!! But I do. Everyday I just do what I can and I have finally started to be able to imagine and so see some of the healing that is coming from all of the therapy and work that I have done to bring myself to the place I am in now.
The better I feel, the more I want to feel better. I am so sick of hurting. I feel like I lived too long in pain. Today I will balance my day- thinking and writing some about the past, about the sadness and rage I am still dragging inside of me- but I am going to balance it now- with being in the present and celebrating my new found ability to SEE AND FEEL AND HEAR that I am in the present and alive and awake and real and safe and here.
So I imagine today will be a mix- good feelings and very difficult ones. But it is getting easier for me to tolerate the pain of knowing about the past- especially now when I am making a painting or a drawing of something that I love, or riding my cherry red bicycle, or turning the music up really loud and dancing around my room.
I must be getting better at starting to see the positive side of a situation... For months I have been upset about the fact that I have this large bedroom with just a desk, a table and a bed. Now I think: What a great dance floor I have here. ;-)