This morning I woke up feeling ok- not great- but ok. I had coffee and cried over the newspaper (I am crying over almost everything these days). I did a few things around the house and then started drawing. I was drawing and painting and looking online for places to sell my drawings and I was feeling pretty good... and that lasted for several hours and I got a lot of drawing/painting/figuring things out done. Then I started to not feel great. Then I started to feel really bad and suddenly I was not drawing or painting or figuring anything out and I was staring at the floor and thinking about cutting myself. Then killing myself. Able to recognize this huge (huge) 'switch' in my thinking... I got a sketchbook journal out and wrote a little bit. That helped a little. But I still felt really bad- depressed and tired and 'sad' and almost like I was going to be sick or pass out- so I decided to get into bed- to let myself lay down for minute. As soon as I laid down and took about two deep breaths- I suddenly had a very clear and very HORRIFIC memory of my father. It was like a crystal clear and 3-d photograph that I saw in my mind. And it was awful. It made me panic and feel really sick- like I really might vomit.
I was out of bed and on my bike in less than 15 minutes. I had planned on maybe 'taking the day off' from biking... but I felt so overwhelmed by the thoughts of hurting myself and then the HORRIFIC MEMORY... that the absolute only thing to do seemed to be to jump on my bike. Instead of my usual and a little slow 'I will get there eventually' pedaling, I was doing something new. And it was more of a 'I am so mad I want to murder someone' pedaling. I biked for what I knew was about 8 or 9 miles and then I got to this little high school and I got off my bike and stretched and then walked for about 15 or 20 minutes around the baseball diamond. The entire time I was crying and swearing and saying things out loud like, "YOU ALMOST KILLED ME. YOU ALMOST KILLED ME." I WAS FURIOUS. I have been in therapy for more than 5.5 years and I have been WAITING to be mad. It is scary because it is a very big amount of mad that I have inside of me. I got on my bike and did the "I am so mad I want to murder someone" pedaling all the way back to my house. Then I made a few adjustments to my bike and rode around my neighborhood a few times.
The biking is exercise and rage-management.