I do not think it is totally abnormal to feel like, "Whoa... where did the day go?" But my sense of 'Where did the day go?' I think is a little more extreme. I was working on one thing today- most of the afternoon- and when I was finished, I feel like I switched to a different way of thinking and I felt shocked about the time. It is almost 6PM here and I REALLY feel like, "WHOA. What the hell happened?" ... except I know what happened. So it is even weirder to know, but to still have the completely strange feeling.
I feel so overwhelmed by my own thinking. I feel like I had a pretty hard week last week (that is sort of a mild understatement...) and then I wanted to draw this afternoon- but I started working on one thing and it took longer than I planned... Anyway- the carnival is still happening here and there is parade that is keeping Lloyd awake and unable to nap.
My thoughts feel everywhere and all over and like such a mess... but then not. I need to shower, write an email, organize some images on my computer, figure out what to eat for dinner and with all of that small stuff I am wondering how I feel toNIGHT. It is strange because I have been trying to listen more to my own thoughts... and that is sort of helping me to feel better. But feeling better also means a lot of not feeling very good. And... anyway... I just have so many different thoughts and I switch so much between my different ways of thinking... I feel like I am not always doing things in a good way, or the right way or something is wrong... SOMETHING ALWAYS feel wrong. Today I was thinking how my brain overfloweth with thoughts of 'oh my god something terrible is going to happen'. After living for so much of my life thinking and knowing that something terrible really was going to happen and then having to shove it all away and then starting to think/talk about all of those feelings now... Well, it is weird (I am writing 'weird and strange' a lot here...) because now I am becoming more aware that I am almost always walking around feeling 1. Trapped 2. panicked 3. worried something bad is going to happen. And all 3 of those things were very true for me for a very long time- but it mostly never got felt- just in a small and sort of sideways way- I mean- I was never able to CONNECT those feelings to what was really wrong. And it IS pretty weird to feel scared and worried and trapped and panicked... but to not KNOW WHY. And while it is a relief to start to know the 'why' part of it all... it is also painful, difficult and STRANGE. Strange because I still have a lot of those same feelings and almost all of them always in one way or another. But today I felt really bad and I was thinking how I felt trapped and then I was thinking 'But why do I feel trapped?' And then I was thinking how it was about the past.... and then I was thinking how I can do whatever I want now and how I am not trapped anymore. And it is really really shocking to me to feel like I can do or say or write or draw or make anything that I want. I mean... I keep obsessing over very simple ideas like: I can go out and walk ANYWHERE. I can decide to wear ANY clothing that I want. I can eat whatever I feel like, I can go to bed when I want to, I can write or talk or tap dance with Lloyd if I feel like it. That is just SOOOOOO great. Not because Lloyd is strong at tap, but because I am REALIZING I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. I am waking up. And I am realizing I AM NOT A PRISONER ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am going to go and find Lloyd's tap shoes now. He does do a pretty good 'buck and wing'. ;-)