SHAME ON EVERYONE

This makes me feel totally and completely insane,
ashamed to be human,
ashamed to be alive,
AND SICKENED BY THE ENTIRE HUMAN SPECIES.
Everyone in the WORLD should feel ashamed. It was written in one of the articles: "An entire nation must ask itself what is going fundamentally wrong." I disagree. AN ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET NEEDS TO ASK ITSELF WHAT IS FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG.

work in progress (April 29, 2008)

Pictures from the weekend....

Our trip to Venice was wonderful. Every moment was great and Venice is beautiful. We were there for three days and two nights and we stayed with Stefano's cousin and his wife. They are both incredible people and we had a great time with them. On Saturday they took us out in their boat and we went all around the lagoon in which Venice sits. It was gorgeous and fun and if you click here you can see a bunch of the photos from our trip. Below is one of my favorites; me driving the boat around Venice!p.s.- Stefano took about 90% of the pictures because I was having sensory overload and could hardly do anything but just look around. He did a great job. The pictures are incredible. :-)

"...like a strict rhyme or a major chord."

I wrote the post below this morning and now I am going to upload the pictures Stefano and I took in Venice- post some here and put the rest into a Flickr album. But before I do that.... I just had my therapy and because I know I am about to put another 'post' above this one and so this will not be at the 'top of my blog' and/or thus the 'front of my mind' I just wanted to neatly tuck in a quick message about how insanely fucking painful it is to recover from something so horrific as what my father did to me for the first seventeen years of my life. The rape, the hitting, the beatings, the yelling, the threats... Of course I am happy beyond words that my life is so good now. But the scale of comparison by/from which I see/feel the difference between my now/then is a real and painful and sad and terrible beyond words kind of pain.
Click.
And now the pictures from our great weekend.

I drove in Venice!!!!!

We are back from Venice and we had a WONDERFUL weekend. Here is a picture of us at San Marco's Square. I am in a hurry right now but this afternoon I am going to put some of the pictures into an album on Flickr and I will write about our trip then. It was a great weekend.
And I got to drive a boat. :-)
More soon.....

p.s.... See you Monday!!!

Venezia.

Stefano and I leave for Venice tomorrow and we will be back late Sunday night so I probably will not upload my blog again until Monday morning. I will post lots of pictures when we get back.
This picture is for my dad, who will never see it. He tried to kill me and he failed.

Today I wore my red hat & danced on the beach.

One home wanted.

It is raining here right now and I am in Stefano's study with his little Apple. She is on her armchair and snoring like hell. We had a great walk this morning and luckily the bad weather held off until this afternoon. Stefano does not think of the rain as bad weather though- he says it is "labrador weather". So tonight we will walk the little Apple in the rain.
I have been drawing more and I will start posting images of my work again soon. I usually draw during the afternoons while Stefano is still at work.
I am having a hard time writing this post because my brain feels all over the place. I am already worried about leaving here but I am trying hard not to think about it because I still have 3.5 weeks here. I love being here with Stefano but it is strange then because my brain gets this crazy idea that I can tolerate knowing (and/or feeling) more of the past so then there is that to deal with and that is terribly hard. I also really miss Lloyd and Winston. I don't know what Stefano and I are going to do when the 3.5 weeks are gone and we have to figure out how/when I can be here again. I want to be here permanently with him and I want to bring Lloydykins and Winston with me.
I need Stefano, Apple, Lloyd, Winston and I to be all together in the same place.

Going to the Luca Signorelli exhibit.

Picture post. (The best Saturday ever.)

Silly American- afternoons are for napping!

I just had my therapy over Skype while Apple slept (and quietly snored) in the background. I thought after my therapy we could go for a walk... but I guess not. She will walk Stefano and I tonight after Stefano is done with work and before he and I go to his favorite pub for dinner. Now she is snoring in a really loud way; she and Stefano have so much in common! ;-)
Last night Stefano and I watched a movie together. It was in Italian and I think he was happy when it was over because he had to translate the entire thing. He did a great job though. He also cooked pasta for me last night and it was delicious! He is wonderful!
Next week he has Friday off so we are going to go to Venice. When I went by myself last Friday it was the first time I had ever been there and I did not get to see very much. We are both excited about going and I will take a lot of pictures.

A bloody thin line.

I made this drawing this afternoon- drawing in a near panic. I had another nightmare last night and I am having troubles getting them out of my mind. Therapy tomorrow and I feel nervous for that because there is no place to go except to just keep going. I am grateful I am here with Stefano and Apple.

Nightmare (memory returns in a dream).

Last night I had a terrible dream/nightmare/memory. I screamed out loud and woke both Stefano and myself up. Stefano said it scared the hell out of him. It took me more than half of the day to remember the details. At first all I could remember was that I was about to be choked and in complete desperation I screamed out 'help'. This afternoon when I suddenly remembered the dream in its entirety I literally sat down on the floor and cried.
Sorry this is short. I will write more tomorrow.

April 15, 2008

Life at the Apple-Palooza-Recovery-Center.

Wonderfulness.

I was going to title this post "Something wonderful" but when I clicked to my blog page to log in and saw again the photo of myself laughing and smiling and kissing Stefano on his cheek I thought that this 'news' is not just a great thing; it is another great thing. And what is the great thing?... Well, I just had my therapy over Skype and I am in that really hard place where I feel very sad but I know it is for the better.... The difficult pain of the recovery; the healing. Anyway- I don't feel like I can go into what I want to explain- I feel more like I want to call Stefano at work to hear his voice for a minute and then go and find Apple and kiss and hug her- probably cry into her fur. Then I want to go outside.
So I will explain tomorrow about the good thing that has happened. I will say for now that it sure is hard to really know now about the pain that I survived in the past which was too much for me to tolerate knowing about then. It is really hard. And really really fucking sad. But not impossible.
Tomorrow I will write about the good thing that has happened. Right now I have too many tears in my eyes to type anyway. And right now I need to go and call Stefano. And then go find that furry little Apple.

Pippa Bacca

world gone wrong

pictures post.

Dear Stefano: Your dog is bad.

Apple was supposed to wait until this Saturday to go for her first swim of the season. This morning while we were walking on the beach she got a little too close to the sea though and one of her paws got wet. As a result of that wet paw, well..... here is a short film we made after Stefano's aunt dried her off and made her sit out in the sun for a few minutes. You can tell she is very sorry.

drawing, drawing, woman

fruit and ink.

the little Apple and the sea (4.8.08)

sketchbook pages (head trauma, 4.7.08)

quick post.

Today I had my therapy. I felt nervous before it and sad after it. I did not want to go out on a walk tonight with Stefano and Apple but Stefano convinced me that it would help me. It was good. We went straight to the sea and Apple ran all around while we walked up and down the seaside. I feel a little better now. Today after my therapy I worked on a painting and two drawings at the same time and that is just how I feel- like my mind is divided all over the place. I will post pictures tomorrow, I promise.

The (huge) Sunday lunch.

I could hardly walk away from the table just now. Partly because I was so full but also because there was one chocolate pastry left and I just kept thinking, "Is someone going to eat that thing?"
We just ate the best lunch I have ever had. There were two different kinds of pasta dishes and both were incredible. Then they served meat and vegetables and bread. And then the pastries. I had to basically skip the whole meat/vegetable/bread part of things because I ate so much pasta and then I knew the pastries were coming. I could hardly describe them except to say that there were about seven different kinds and I tried at least four; my favorite is a light and flaky pastry filled with a thick and sweet and completely rich and wonderful cream. It was sooooo good. But now I am sooooo full. I have to go and nap... I just need to figure out how I am going to get to the bed. ;-)
p.s.- I have been making a painting the last couple of days. I will post it or another new drawing soon.

Saturday at the park.

howl.

It is 3:05pm here in Italy and I have therapy over Skype with my doctor in just 55 minutes. Stefano's aunt had to take him back to work just now because I was crying, because I am so sick over the thoughts I am having about the terrible things from my past. I felt really bad because I was crying and Stefano had to go and he kept running back and kissing me and I kept saying, "I will see you in just four hours."
Apple just came to the door of Stefano's study and "knocked"- so I let her in and she just stood in place and let me hug her and cry into her biscuit colored fur. Coincidentally the sweetest man I have ever known just happens to have the sweetest dog I have ever met. Lucky me.
I feel SO upset just now before my therapy- and I know it is because I have been feeling so good and so happy and so real... but now it is time to do the work of my therapy and it is so painful because I want to just run from all of that shit from the past and just have the happiness I have now. I know it does not work that way though. I know I have to finish working through all of the terrible things from my past so that I can really fully live my life and enjoy it now. I just wish it did not hurt so much. As I just wrote though- in the post below- it is a lot less painful to have to think of my past and to work through the conflicts I have within my divided mind while I am here with Stefano. (And his little Apple.) Usually we are about four thousand miles apart and now I know he is just a few minutes away. And by the time I am done with my therapy it will be 5pm here and I will leave to go and pick him up from work at 6:45pm. Tonight we will walk Apple and then cook dinner together. Then we are planning to maybe watch a movie or maybe go on another walk together. We are both glad that tomorrow is Saturday and that we have the whole weekend to be together. I think we might go to see a really exciting art exhibit this weekend... I am not sure though.
Anyway- as usual I feel a little better after having purged here on my blog about my anxieties. It is just so hard to remember the past.
I am thankful the present is so incredibly good.
I am going to go hug Apple again now...

Friday.

Here is a picture I took from the kitchen window of our apartment.This is a house across the street from where Stefano works.Here is my Lovey. Trying to figure something out maybe? Not sure. He sure is cute though.Here is the Apple. Licking her paw. :-)I have therapy today with my doctor over Skype in a couple of hours and I am not feeling great. This is a small drawing I made this morning. More than anything though I am just glad that I am here with Stefano. Even though therapy is really painful- it is much easier to handle when I am here with him.

Cookies for breakfast. (Italy, day 2.)

Here is little Apple. :-) We just got back from our morning walk and now she is in Stefano's study with me as I work on the computer. When I got here this morning to pick her up for our walk she ran outside to greet me with a huge plastic pig toy between her teeth. Apparently she wanted the pig to go walking with us because it took me about five minutes (filled with loud plastic pig toy oinking) to pry it out from her little mouth. I love this dog. Before I ever met her Stefano would tell me over and over that Apple was, "The best dog in the world!". I used to say, "Oh, yeah? Great." And I thought: Everyone thinks they have the best pet in the world. BUT THEN I MET HER!!!!! And I said to Stefano, "OHMYGOD she really is the best dog in the world!" and he said, "I know! I already told you that!!!!!".

Here are two pictures of the very cute kitchen in our very cute apartment:

And that big bag of "biscuits" (cookies) is what we have been eating for breakfast. They are FANTASTIC. It is fun to eat "biscuits" (cookies) for breakfast. And yes, that is an artconstellation mug on the table there with Lloyd's sweet little face on it. :-)
I did spend the entire afternoon yesterday cleaning up the apartment and unpacking. This afternoon I am going to draw but this morning I need to go to the grocery store. Going to the grocery store is fun because there are a lot of different foods here and everything looks so different and all of the food is sooooo good. The produce here is incredible. Yesterday I almost made myself sick eating carrots. They are like CANDY here.
Last night we went out for pizza and I had a pizza that was covered with a bunch of fresh vegetables and it was just delicious. Then we shared a dessert that was so good I am not even going to talk about it. I don't even know if it was legal. I will just say that it involved heavy cream and great chocolate and also that I wept a little while eating it because it was that good.
Last night I woke up once in the middle of the night and it took me a long time to fall back asleep again. It was not because of the little bear snoring in my ear but because I was so happy and I was just laying there in the dark thinking about all of the things I wanted to do today and how happy I feel and how good it feels to actually feel happy!
So anyway- I am off to the store and then this afternoon I am planning to do some painting after I have lunch with Stefano. Tonight we are going to make a salad full of delicious fresh vegetables. After that I think Stefano might drink the bottle of root beer that I brought him. He has never tasted root beer before because they do not have it in Italy and he is pretty excited about it. He is pretty easy to please. ;-) I love him like crazy and it is so great to be here!!!!! This morning we were listened to a great recording of Yehudi Menuhin playing Vivaldi while we ate breakfast (cookies). It was wonderful.

It's the good life. (The really really good life.)

HELLO, HELLO!!!!! :-) I apologize in advance for what I am sure will be an excess of exclamation points, capitalized words and smiley faces. :-) I am just REALLY happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) And it feels damn good. :-)
Last night I slept like a BABY. I mean it. It was the best night of sleep I have had in months. The apartment Stefano has rented is wonderful. It is a great size and it is really sunny with a big kitchen. I love it. I will have to take some pictures of it soon and post them. The "king size" bed is actually two twin beds put together but that is fine because Stefano and I sleep so close that we only need about one half of one of the twin beds. :-) My last two thoughts before I fell asleep last night were: "I am so glad I am here; I am so happy!" and then "But how am I ever going to fall asleep with Stefano snoring in my ear like that?" And that was my last thought. It is a total mystery to me as snoring usually makes me crazy but Stefano's snoring is like an emotional lullaby to my normally stressed out and anti-wanting-to-sleep (for fear of nightmares) brain.
We fell asleep "totally hugged" (as Stefano would say) and woke up almost seven hours later in the exact same position. :-) Wonderful wonderful. :-)
This morning we laughed and talked and ate a quick breakfast and kept kissing and talking about how happy we are that I am here!!!!!!! Then I took Stefano to work, dropped him off, drove back to his house and walked Apple. (His wonderful, sweet, 'biscuit' colored lab.) It was a great walk. We walked through the small town and then along the sea. It is beautiful here this morning and the sea was really calm and it was sunny and cool but not at all cold.
Now I have been messing around with Stefano's computer; importing all of my bookmarks, installing Firefox and then tweaking it so it runs faster. :-)
The morning has flown by and at 1pm I will go and pick Stefano up from work and we will eat lunch together. He works from 9am to 1pm and 3pm to 7pm- so we have two hours to eat together and then take a quick nap! This afternoon I am going to unpack everything and straighten up the apartment because we got there late last night and just threw everything in the door.
I will write every day, post photos and also images of my art because I will be drawing every day.
I took the above photo of us right before we walked out the door this morning and just saw it now for the first time when I uploaded it. Hey... who is that incredibly happy woman in the photo??? ;-)

Hellooooooo Italy.

I nearly attacked Stefano when I saw him at the airport. :-) It is amazing how fast the trip goes when I am on my way here. 7.5 hours on a plane, a 90 minute wait and one more flight that is just over two hours. I was practically pushing people out of my way to get off the second plane and practically standing on top of the luggage carousel waiting for my bags so I could grab them and run out to meet Stefano. I am always amazed that we are even able to get out of the airport and get onto the train- We walk two steps and then hug and kiss. Two more steps and then hug and kiss. And it is always the job of the person facing the END OF THE MOVING WALKWAY to kiss with their eyes open so that the other one is not injured. I almost cried with RELIEF when I saw him. And the almost 5 hour train ride back to his town flies by because we are talking and laughing and kissing and eating and we keep saying things like: "I can't believe you are FINALLY here." and "I am so glad I am FINALLY here." "Thank God you are here." and "Thank God I am finally here!" :-)
I did not get a chance to take a picture yet... I will try to take one tomorrow morning. I am sooooo GLAD I AM FINALLY HERE!!!! And I just wanted to write a quick post to say that I am completely happy. More tomorrow... :-)