It is 3:05pm here in Italy and I have therapy over Skype with my doctor in just 55 minutes. Stefano's aunt had to take him back to work just now because I was crying, because I am so sick over the thoughts I am having about the terrible things from my past. I felt really bad because I was crying and Stefano had to go and he kept running back and kissing me and I kept saying, "I will see you in just four hours."
Apple just came to the door of Stefano's study and "knocked"- so I let her in and she just stood in place and let me hug her and cry into her biscuit colored fur. Coincidentally the sweetest man I have ever known just happens to have the sweetest dog I have ever met. Lucky me.
I feel SO upset just now before my therapy- and I know it is because I have been feeling so good and so happy and so real... but now it is time to do the work of my therapy and it is so painful because I want to just run from all of that shit from the past and just have the happiness I have now. I know it does not work that way though. I know I have to finish working through all of the terrible things from my past so that I can really fully live my life and enjoy it now. I just wish it did not hurt so much. As I just wrote though- in the post below- it is a lot less painful to have to think of my past and to work through the conflicts I have within my divided mind while I am here with Stefano. (And his little Apple.) Usually we are about four thousand miles apart and now I know he is just a few minutes away. And by the time I am done with my therapy it will be 5pm here and I will leave to go and pick him up from work at 6:45pm. Tonight we will walk Apple and then cook dinner together. Then we are planning to maybe watch a movie or maybe go on another walk together. We are both glad that tomorrow is Saturday and that we have the whole weekend to be together. I think we might go to see a really exciting art exhibit this weekend... I am not sure though.
Anyway- as usual I feel a little better after having purged here on my blog about my anxieties. It is just so hard to remember the past.
I am thankful the present is so incredibly good.
I am going to go hug Apple again now...
6 comments:
I love you very very much.
I was looking at your earlier post and I think Stefano and Apple are both very cute.
I am not sure how the time zones work there, but I hope by now you are through the hard part of your day (with your therapist) and are onto the fun parts now.
I think Apple feels proud to be there for you when you need her.
Apple is clearly a special doggy. Crying into doggy is a wonderful therapy on its own. :)
Good for you for all your hard work..you continue to touch so many of us w/ your words...hey, have a bowl of pasta for me!!!
all the best..
what you're going through is hard, but surely you're braver and stronger than anyone of us here.
You're such a beautiful person who really deserves to be loved! ei,cheer up! so many people loves you, including us! :D
I have a friend in the same situation and she has PTSD and such a hard time with what happened to her. Over and over, not just family, but even one of her psychiatrists or therapists molested her. It happened to me when I was 16-17 but I blanked it out for a long time and it doesn't bother me at all. I know I was not at fault. Dogs/cats are really good therapy for those of us with some mental problems going on. My little doxie keeps tabs on me all day long.
I have enjoyed reading about your adventure with your boyfriend.
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