I am struggling every day just to function. I should take a shower this morning and get out of my pajamas. I need to open the curtains in my room and try to do some things today that will make me feel better than if I just stay in bed and go over horrible old memories and try to stop my mind from running by trying to sleep. But I am having a terrible time with this. I seem to have this idea that if I just do not move too much in the present that it will somehow protect me from feeling the truth and the pain from my past. That is of course not working and staying in bed in my dark room everyday is actually making me feel worse I know. I need to start telling myself that I am more than just the horrible past that happened to me. I need to tell myself that I am totally safe now and that I have good people around me that love me now. I am just so scared about the present and the idea of going forward. Going forward means acknowledging so many things that I have worked so hard all of my life to avoid really knowing about. For example: the fact that my family is not at all what I thought it was. I am having a hard time explaining what I mean- I hope this makes sense to some people though. I just want to cry. I feel trapped by the past and scared to be in the present. I will probably crawl back into bed now even though I know I will hate myself for it later.Dear Universe: Please give me a shove.
4 comments:
One day at a time... If it makes you feel better today crawl under those covers with Winston - just don't stay there all day ;)
I know those feelings well, and I wish I had a solution....for both of us! Good wishes to you!
I think we shut down emotionally and in other ways to protect ourselves from pain and trauma. Getting the ability to experience emotion and memory back is part of becoming fully present in life, but it hurts like all hell as it is happening. It sounds like you trust your therapist -- maybe you can talk with him about how this is all hitting you and how to navigate it and survive day to day. Take care of yourself. Keep going. If it helps, I'm pulling for you, and lots of other folks are too.
You didn't do anything wrong.
The EVIL lies exclusively with your abusers, who are EVIL in the most basic sense.
You are a GOOD person. You did not deserve to have this happen to you. Evil people did this to you.
Stefano loves you and he is a GOOD person. You are a GOOD person. You deserve a GOOD life, filled with healing and happiness.
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