March 10, 2008
Well that was extremely unpleasant.
I got home from my therapy a little while ago. It was very painful. I literally had to sit in silence for almost ten minutes before I was even able to tell Dr. C about my nightmare from last night. Then that was all we talked about for the rest of the session and I cried for the entire time. Unfortunately it was not really a nightmare so much as it was a memory of my father raping me coming back to me in a dream. It was f*cking awful and all I want to do now is put on my pajamas and crawl under the blankets with Winston (he is already there) and hide. I am just going to draw for the rest of the day and not make myself try to do very much else. I have so much grief- I feel like I am overflowing with it. It was awful- just awful and one of the worst parts of the nightmare/memory was that there was a point when I knew my mother was in the hallway and she did not come in to save me. Ok... I can't even think about it anymore. I felt so awful when I walked out of Dr. C's office I felt like "How am I even going to be able to drive home?" My saving grace was that when I turned my car on I caught the last few minutes of a great recording on public radio- Artur Rubinstein playing a Chopin scherzo. When I got home I sat on the edge of my bathtub so I could see my face in the mirror and quickly drew this self portrait in blue marker. Also- I want to thank all of the people who have been leaving comments here lately. I really appreciate every one. Each message helps and it helps me to know that other people know about this huge pain I am trying to get through. I feel like I have too much pain for one person and I feel like writing about it and telling other people lessens the weight somehow. So thank you. Winston is waiting... See you tomorrow.