I turned my computer back on tonight so I could write one more post. I have felt bad because of what I wrote earlier... basically complaining about how bad I feel tonight. I wanted to write one more thing before I go to bed but I am so anxious about my therapy tomorrow and so overwhelmed and worried that I can not even think in a clear way to write something that seems more 'positive'. And it is just hard to write anything at all because I have a whole bunch of different feelings and it is just hard to write one post with a divided mind. I could just post my art here and cute pictures of my pets but I want to try to do more than that. I want to try to write about what it is like to try to recover from something as heinous as seventeen years of sexual and emotional abuse.
Now I will call Stefano even though it is late here and the middle of the night in Italy. I will get into bed and he will tell me he loves me. He will tell me that we are always together even when we are not in the same place. He will tell me to remember how it feels to lay together in what we call our "napping position" and then we will hang up the phone. Hopefully he will fall right back to sleep and I will force myself to close my eyes and I will try to let go of all of my worries and if I can calm down just long enough to really imagine how safe I feel when we lay together... all of the tension drops out of my body and I will be right off to sleep.