My day so far: Woke up, posted the photo I took yesterday (below), talked to Stefano over Skype, forced myself to change out of my pajamas and get dressed for therapy, clipped my hair back with children's barrettes, contemplated taking Lloyd to therapy with me and then made myself go out and get into my car. Five minutes into my fifty minute drive to therapy I called Stefano from my cell phone and cried for the rest of the drive about how much I did not want to go to therapy and told him some of the horrible things that I knew I was going to talk about with my therapist today. I then spent 50 minutes in therapy talking about how I felt after the summer that I miscarried my father's child, the memory of my father grabbing me by my hair and smashing my head into the wall when I was 17 and how when I was four years old I actually licked a razor on purpose to cut open my tongue with the hope that it would prevent my father from putting his penis inside my injured mouth and how I must have felt when even that was not enough to stop him.
March 7, 2008
blood in ears (WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING)
My day so far: Woke up, posted the photo I took yesterday (below), talked to Stefano over Skype, forced myself to change out of my pajamas and get dressed for therapy, clipped my hair back with children's barrettes, contemplated taking Lloyd to therapy with me and then made myself go out and get into my car. Five minutes into my fifty minute drive to therapy I called Stefano from my cell phone and cried for the rest of the drive about how much I did not want to go to therapy and told him some of the horrible things that I knew I was going to talk about with my therapist today. I then spent 50 minutes in therapy talking about how I felt after the summer that I miscarried my father's child, the memory of my father grabbing me by my hair and smashing my head into the wall when I was 17 and how when I was four years old I actually licked a razor on purpose to cut open my tongue with the hope that it would prevent my father from putting his penis inside my injured mouth and how I must have felt when even that was not enough to stop him.
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12 comments:
I feel so sad to read this, I did not know what to say. So I clicked away without leaving a comment. Then, I thought, that is the worst thing to say: nothing. So, I am going to say that my furry heart goes out to you, even though I do not know anything to say that could possibly make you feel better.
Thank you so much for coming back and leaving this message. It helps. Thank you.
I will pray for your peace of mind. No one deserves such sadness to linger day after day. Be well!
like daisy said - i was absolutely horrified when i read your about me.
im not even sure how to say anything or what i should say but i feel as one human to another, that i have to.
lets start with the art - amazing talent and such expressions - so horrible that the impetus for a lot of it was so painful, but maybe thats a therapy of sorts for you in some ways.
interesting to see the art changing as you blog about your new love.
about the past - nothing i can say will ever change that so this isnt a trite hope everythings ok comment
maybe its a recognition of the good in you - of the desire to be who you are and put aside the past - hard as that may be
so good luck - and be positive - the past is just that - the past - learn to live in the future - the new life you create for yourself.
and i pray that the parts of your mind that need to be blanked will be - that the therapy assists with that and that your new love can understand that.
I too pray for your peace of mind. Stay strong.
I was saddened to read your post. How awful to have such a childhood and haunting memories. I hope things will be better for you now.
Jenny. We love you.
You are the strongest person in the world.
Reliving the past is so painful, but also a necessary part of recovery and healing. The only way out is through, and you are going to get through, and your life will be filled with beauty. You are brave and strong. A true warrior!
Much love,
Angie
(((HUGS))) I hope a smile finds you each and every day ;)
Every day I read your blog and am amazed by you.
I move from laughter to tears here. I am thrilled when I can "read you smiling" when you talk about Stefano, and I become overwhelmed with sadness when your posts are like this one.
I so much wish for you to have happiness - you are an inspiration and indeed the strongest person in the world.
SB
Everyone who has clicked thru, seems to be feeling the same way -- horrified, saddened, helpless to say anything that could possibly comfort you. How can any of us understand how you feel, without having experienced similar? But I guess we all want you to know that we care.
In your art, you possess an incredibly articulate, expressive talent, which hopefully helped you to release some of the verbally inexpressible shit pent up in your soul.
Good luck with your life;-)
I will continue to keep you in my prayers for your healing and most of all, your happiness and peace. Just know you are loved and appreciated and healing our people and our world aka, "belly of the beast" with every memory you disclose and have shared.
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