February 16, 2008
My bone compass.
As I type this it is 7:58pm in Italy. I have to leave in less than 40 hours. Today has been hard because we are both feeling sad. I have spent most of the day crying. I am glad Stefano has graduated and I hope he will find a job soon but until then we will be more than 4000 miles apart and unsure when we will be in the same place again. It is hard when we are apart but it is the worst when we are together and have to go away from each other. I am literally sick. I feel like I am going to throw up and it is so painful to imagine having to go away from Stefano. I can hardly organize my brain to type this post- but I wanted to write something because I was hoping somehow it would make me feel better. Anyway- I am sick over the thought of being at the airport and feeling Stefano's arms hugged around me- and then the letting go. I feel so incredibly tired of feeling bad and hurting- we need to buy the train ticket(s) to get from his town to the airport in Rome and we have not done it yet. He has always come with me to the airport but then I have to walk away from him and go through security and then we can still see each other the whole time and once I get through security we are physically pretty far apart but we can still see each other. I just stand there always for a minute- kind of frozen and shocked that I am about to make myself walk away. I always feel like I have to just cut my mind off at some point and my legs just carry me away. I am crying as I type this of course and I wish so much that things were different. Anyway- I am trying to decide if I should just take the train to the airport alone. If that might be easier even though it will still be terrible. It will take me 22 hours of traveling to get from Stefano's house to where I live in the US. I feel completely ill. Ill. I wish we had enough money to rent an apartment here so that we could be together while Stefano looks for a job. I am sick over the thought of having to go away again. When the airplane lifts off the ground in Rome I always wish I felt some sort of relief- like there is no way to turn back now and it is out of my hands sort of thing. But I never do feel relieved. I sit in the seat on the plane and I feel like the very compass of my bones knows I am traveling away from the one person I never want to leave.