This is my Thursday night, pre-therapy, I want to cry, I feel like I am going to be sick to my stomach post. To the right are three pictures that I took tonight when S. and I were on Skype. It helps me to see us smiling and laughing because I am reminded that some parts of my life are really good. But before I go into the not great parts of my life that are making me feel nauseous right now I just wanted to mention that the reason I am wearing my crazy hot pink cat hat in the pictures is just because I was cold.
If it is hard for a non-dissociative person to fully understand dissociative disorders then it is just a sick joke of nature that a person who actually has multiple ways of thinking has to try to grasp it. For the first few years of my therapy as the memories of the abuse were just starting to come back to me I kept saying that I felt like my whole life had been a lie. That is not really how I feel now but maybe I can explain that another time. It is just that I have lost my entire original family. And it is just weird to lose an entire group of people like that. It is like one day they all just died in an accident; but it is not that. I mean that is the feeling of it- they were my family and so many of my memories and ideas were connected to them. Now I am trying to recover and I do not have connections to any of them.
My father used to rape me and he would threaten to hurt my mom or my sister if I fought him or tried to do anything to stop him or to tell anyone. And like something from some terrible book that I would never want to read; when I was young (while he was raping me) he would threaten to kill my cat. If I tried to stop him- I mean. Anyway- I still live with a lot of 'kid-fear' that my father will one day come after me and hurt me because I am telling what really happened in our family. That fear is just one of the many many issues that I have to try to resolve through my therapy.
Anyway- my mind jumps around. I know everybody probably has some of that- but it is more like my mind just switches off. And then back on again but I have lost my thought and suddenly have a new one. And now since I wrote about my father threatening me I have totally switched around in my mind, lost my thought and am crying. I cry a lot. I cry more than anyone else I have ever known.
Before Christmas I was upset: I was worried about the holidays and all the sad feelings I might have and the fact that I have no connection to my 'original' family anymore. I was also worried because I knew I would not see my therapist for two weeks. Of course the two weeks are gone and now I am terrified about going back. It's not that I haven't thought about all of this mess from the past over the last two weeks- far from that- I was sad around Christmas and even though I spend 98% of my time hating my 'original' mother it was hard because this was the first year that she did not even send a Christmas card. And then on Christmas Eve one of our cats, Sam, had a stroke right in front of everyone and had to be put to sleep that same night.
So the two weeks off from therapy have not exactly been a 'vacation' and it is not like I ever get a break from my mind which runs overtime and has more than one thought at a time. Usually I call S. as soon as I walk out of my therapy and most of the time he has to tell me that he can't understand what I am saying because I am crying so much.
I have been writing and deleting and rewriting this for almost 90 minutes now. Now I am just going to stop myself. I know this post is totally choppy and not organized in a good way and maybe does not make perfect sense- but neither does my mind.
On the nights before therapy- when I am really scared and upset- I always come back to this Winston Churchill quote: "If you're going through hell, keep going."
Here is a drawing that I made about my father threatening me.