August 7, 2007
My Dr. and I have been talking a lot about "me waking up" (from my dissociative coma of the past 29 or so years) and beginning to feel "real". Of course this is good. Of course this is terrible (understatement). The first 90 minutes of my day were good and things have been going steadily down hill since. I feel like absolutely everything is agitating me in one way or another. For example: This morning I decided that I ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT tolerate the feel of bed sheets against my skin. It is making me feel constantly sick (literally). The slippery feeling of the sheets against me makes every thought turn to memories of my nights (and days) with the sick child-rapist. If I must be able to FEEL my own body now I am not going to be able to tolerate feeling it on any kind of bed sheet. So this morning I took the sheets off my bed and replaced them with three scratchy wool blankets. One to sleep on, one to cover me and one to cover my pillows because having my face against the pillows is making me sick in a way I could not begin to articulate here. The point is that I would rather feel the rough itchiness of the wool blankets against my skin because at least it does not remind me of him. This is just to give a 'rough' idea of how my day has gone. I cried on and off for most of the morning; while I was changing the sheets especially. I would write more but it is really difficult to write anything on here when I am so fucking pissed and hurt as I am right now. I mean: it is hard at this point for me not to type out detailed driving directions to "him". But that is all I will say about that.... I am just trying to "tolerate" all of the horrible memories, thoughts and (worst of all) the 'body memories' I am having and remind myself that it is all from the past and that he will never ever touch me or this body EVER EVER EVER again. And I hope that somehow tomorrow will not be so bloody fucking bad. And I hope I can hold on and make it through this bullshit he left me to deal with even though it feels totally TOTALLY fucking impossible. My plan is basic: Stay alive. Stay alive and do not hurt myself in some terrible way. I am going to stay alive. Somehow.