One reason.

I know it will be very painful but I am looking forward to seeing the movie "Precious". Yesterday I heard the director of the movie on NPR and he was talking about ENDING THE CYCLE OF ABUSE. So so so important.

Breaking it down.

Yesterday I took Winston to the vet because he has hardly been eating. They took some blood and I should find out tomorrow the results of that.

I spent the entire day knitting. It is less painful and complicated than drawing.

And if I did not feel so bad, this would make me laugh- but for the past few days this song has been 'stuck in my head'.

Addendum: Right after posting the above I thought, "Why would I laugh?". Shame. And RAGE. I keep experiencing all of this sadness and shame and horror- but it feels hard for me to express it in any way other than by feeling sad or depressed or hating myself- all safe and 'non-threatening feelings'.

And this makes me sick, but hearing this song now- it feels like a break-up song to my abuser. Which fits with all of the 'seduction of the aggressor' issues I have been discussing recently with my therapist.

Constellation failure.

(The following is an email I just sent to my therapist.)

I also feel like just a loser. I think it is easier to keep thinking this than to realize what happened to me, how horrible it was and how much it has affected my life. And also... to think about WHO it was that hurt me. Oh WAIT... WE ALREADY HAD THIS CONVERSATION, DIDN'T WE???!!!

Jenny

p.s.- I wish Lloyd had a car. And a driver's license (obviously, as I do not want him to get arrested). I would ask him to drive me to my art therapy group tomorrow because I did not go at all last week. I am sure that if he had a car and a license he would totally take me. Don't you think? I would be happy if I could take HIM, actually. The bus would be SO MUCH MORE BEARABLE if Lloyd was in a backpack and with me. I mean- only if he was not unhappy in the backpack. And not really a backpack maybe- I need more like a sling and I could 'wear' him across the front of my chest. It would be good if he was in a little sling and across my chest and we were on the bus together. If all of that happened I think it would be fun if he also had a little book to read. And a pair of small and stylish reading glasses. God.

That would make the bus ride so much fucking BETTER!!

p.p.s.- I am going to post the text of this message onto my blog now because I do feel like such a huge fucking failure most of the time and I feel like maybe the one small thing I can do while I am NOT doing a bunch of other things that I wish I was doing- is to explain a little of what it is like to live with a dissociative disorder. And I feel like this email, in the context of the rest of my blog, will help to explain/show that.

p.p.p.s- One last thing... If Lloyd did drive a car, what kind do you think he would have? (And I will just say right now that I think answering with 'Smart Car' would really be the cheap way out on this one.) Maybe a little Ford Focus?

Other continents.

I took this photo Sunday night. I was starting to knit a sweater for my sister while Winston and Lloyd were sleeping.

Winston had stopped eating for almost 2 days and I was really worried but he has started again. I was planning to take him to the vet today but he is acting fine now- sitting at the window and watching leaves fall.

I keep having these huge anxiety attacks right when I wake up in the morning. I keep thinking that I need to write or talk about WHY I am feeling so anxious when I wake up- but then I feel scared and like 'I don't really want to know'. Although that never works for long anymore.

My therapist was gone for two weeks but he just got back.

And I am continuing to work on this drawing.

black whole

It is painful when you want to disappear but can't dissociate anymore in the same way. Getting better means not dissociating from reality. But there is this horrible horrible middle place- a mix of semi-dissociation and semi-reality and it feels awful. I feel depressed and I have not been going out of my 'house' very much. I am struggling a lot.

Dear Probably Godless Universe,

Living with a dissociative disorder feels awful most days. Recovering from life with a dissociative disorder feels awful most days. I am trying to deal with this struggle, get through each day, try to do a little to work toward healing, try to accept the painful truth about my past, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.

I just wanted to write here a little note to the universe though now as I struggle to continue to recover from all of this exceedingly-painful-beyond-words-mess:

IF YOU LET MY LITTLE ORANGE CAT DIE I WILL BE SO FUCKING MAD ABOUT THAT.

Nancy Spero and Albert York.

Here is a quick video with Nancy Spero and here is an article about Albert York. They both died recently.

Pumpkin.

I used to always carve pumpkins with my mom. It makes me feel kind of sad, but I still like to do it. I did roast the seeds and they were good.

drawing in progress.

Holiday.

My therapist is out of town right now. When he went on vacation recently I had a mild 'shut-down' and basically stayed home for the entire time that he was away. I talked to him about it when he returned, he and my art therapist talked about him going away for 2 weeks to this conference and we all made a plan that I would meet with my art therapist while he was gone this time and I would try to avoid a 'shut-down'. Ok, well, that has not totally worked out as planned. I have sort of done the same thing. I have not left the house in... a while. Today I took a bath for the first time in what I will call 'several' days... and then I put my pajamas right back on. And I do not mean: I took a bath and put on a new pair of pajamas- no... that would be a certain kind of depressed- but I am talking about the kind of depressed where one does not shower for several days and then finally (mostly out of shame) takes a bath AND PUTS THE SAME PAJAMAS BACK ON.

Those should be two whole categories of depression: The depression where you shower and get dressed and then ignore a plan to go out and get back into bed and the depression where you shower, pick up the clothes off the bathroom floor, put them back on and crawl back into bed.

Anyway- I have been feeling pretty bad. And I have been trying to think, "What am I going to do to feel better?"

And then my mind just blanks.

I know what would help me and I am watching myself not do many of those things. I am drawing a little and reading a lot online. This healing is so painful and I keep wanting to take a 'break' from moving closer to the truth but there really is not a way to do that- and in some ways, I am glad about it. But parts of me do feel like: There are a lot of things that are too hard and scary to face right now. I think it is fine how I have spent the week- it has not been great, I do not feel like I have been doing all the things I want to do- but I have been scared and I think I have been trying to take care of myself the best I can. My doctor will be back in town on Tuesday and I will see him Thursday. I am looking forward to that.

And I have not hurt myself- I have spent a lot of time thinking about it- but I never hurt myself. And I am going to try to move forward more now even though I am scared.

Tomorrow I am going to kick off the holiday by taking out a little rage on my Halloween pumpkin. As a person with 'cutting issues'- I have to say- pumpkin carving is very satisfying to me. And I have never done it before but I plan to try to roast the seeds tomorrow too.

And does this man need a Halloween costume? Or is he just... ready-wear?