Lions and winter.




Posted at at 5:22 PM on February 7, 2010 by | 3 comments Links to this post | Filed under: , , , ,

For Jessieh. You are strong, amazing and wonderful. (6)

For C.W.B.

Elizabeth Bishop

I
Let us live in a lull of the long winter winds
Where the shy, silver-antlered reindeer go
On dainty hoofs with their white rabbit friends
Amidst the delicate flowering snow.

All of our thoughts will be fairer than doves.
We will live upon wedding-cake frosted with sleet.
We will build us a house from two red tablecloths,
And wear scarlet mittens on both hands and feet.

II
Let us live in the land of the whispering trees,
Alder and aspen and poplar and birch,
Singing our prayers in a pale, sea-green breeze,
With star-flower rosaries and moss banks for church.

All of our dreams will be clearer than glass.
Clad in the water or sun, as you wish,
We will watch the white feet of the young morning pass
And dine upon honey and small shiny fish.

III
Let us live where the twilight lives after the dark,
In the deep, drowsy blue, let us make a home.
Let us meet in the cool evening grass, with a stork
And a whistle of willow, played by a gnome.

Half-asleep, half-awake, we shall hear, we shall know
The soft "Miserere" the wood-swallow tolls.
We will wander away where wild raspberries grow
And eat them for tea from two lily-white bowls.

Posted at at 6:26 PM on February 6, 2010 by | 0 comments Links to this post | Filed under: ,

Lloyd gets out the vodka.

We have gotten A LOT of snow here!!


(My little car is buried as you can see in the photo.)

A lot of people have lost power near us so I wanted to write a quick post just in case it goes out here too.

I will be shoveling and drawing today! I will post more pics soon. I am really hoping the power stays on!!

And will I get to Minnesota on Tuesday?! Oh no!

Posted at at 9:29 AM on by | 0 comments Links to this post | Filed under:

"To a mind unfurling"

Today I found out someone I know tried to kill themselves and (THANK GOD) FAILED. Finding out about it made me anxious. But almost everything is making me anxious. I also felt mad- not at this person- but mad because I know they are struggling to recover from abuse issues and I felt mad at the abuser and mad also that this person is not being heard and helped more.

I thought I would skip my run today- just because I have run for a bunch of days in a row and I thought it would be good to take a break. But I had my art therapy group and that too made me anxious as hell and when I got home I felt sort of tired and thought, "I do not really want to go out for a run...". BUT THEN I FELT SO ANXIOUS... I went out running.
And my thoughts when I am running are pretty amazing to me. I know I have already written about this here- but there are so many things that I really can normally hardly tolerate to think about and when I am running- even if my mind is a slew of painful thoughts and memories and putting-togetherings... It all seems about a thousand times more bearable. And my mind feels very "switchy" when I am running and my internal dialogue is chaotic (understatement) but I feel like there are all of these thoughts that I do not want to have that need to be thought and the only place I feel like I can tolerate thinking of any of them is when I am out running. And I would write more now about what those thoughts are or how my thinking goes... but I really don't want to think about this anymore right now!!
The photo here is of a sketchbook cover that I worked on today in art therapy.

Posted at at 6:07 PM on February 3, 2010 by | 0 comments Links to this post | Filed under: , ,

Therapy hangover.

When I woke up this morning I felt fine... but different than yesterday. And I did not really want to go running but I sort of did so I went anyway and I ran a long time but I never felt great during much of any of it. Then I spent the rest of the morning just sort of... struggling. Shifting around papers, trying to organize things, taking care of the animals, a single load of laundry. Until I just wanted to cry and I finally just got back into bed with two old sketchbooks and my computer.

And I took out my contacts and put my glasses back on. This could mean nothing... but if you are a person who has watched "United States of Tara" you can probably understand that this means there has been a shift in my universe.
Feeling feels like a problem no matter what I am feeling. And I started reading my old sketchbooks and some of it I remember writing and some not as much and all that different hand writing...
Last night I told Dr. C that I feel like there is a 'way of being me' that is religious. And that knowing and saying that makes me feel like "Sybil". And that makes me feel not good.
I keep feeling so... stuffed down and shut up. But it is mostly me doing it to myself now and as soon as I stop I start to feel better. As soon as I write here or email Dr. C I start to feel like I can think and function again. DID is scary. It is often very weird to have so many different feelings and have them all piled up on top of each other. I feel more and more determined to write a book about all of my experience of recovering from this mess when I am really totally on the other side of it. But sometimes I think that all of these blog posts and emails and sketchbooks could be the start of me explaining how I got through this all.
My therapy yesterday was painful and today I do feel absolutely in a therapy hangover. It is so difficult, so depressing to think of so much of this crap.
I hate DID and abuse and having been abused and I hate haters and hating and being hated.
I am so sick of being in brain pain. And hurting. I am mostly very very sick of hurting.

Posted at at 3:10 PM on February 2, 2010 by | 1 comments Links to this post | Filed under:

Strange days?

Something happened today. I was out running and I saw something really... strange. It is so odd I am not sure how to even write about it. I am fine and everything but I keep thinking, "Really?". 12 years ago (TWELVE YEARS AGO) I was semi-sort-of-a-tiny-bit-religious and kind of losing faith in the idea of there being any kind of god. So I prayed for a sign. It was something I wanted to see- as a sort of 'proof' and because I was hurting so much and 12 years ago I was still six years away from meeting Dr. C and starting to tell the story of what had happened to me when I was younger and beginning the long process of starting to heal. So anyway- I prayed for a sign. And I never saw it. NEVER. Until today. And there it was. It was so weird and I feel like nothing could make me feel more the divisions of my mind than the internal dialogue I have been having since this morning. In one way I feel like it is big deal, it is the very exact thing I 'asked to see' and in another way I feel like... it was something that (even though it took 12 years from the time I first thought of it) is not the most unusual request of the universe and at some point I was probably just going to see this thing.


Have I mentioned here I have been off almost all of meds for a year now? Lol. The running works (and always has when I have done it) like an antidepressant. Maybe it is working too well? Or something is wrong with my brain? Or maybe it really was a sign? Or maybe I am just "crazy"?

Why does healing and healthiness make me feel so strange? It is so not something I am used to. I guess that is my answer. I have been running almost everyday and yesterday I went to a meetup group that was very hard for me to go to but it was so good I went.

Anyway. I just think the whole thing is weird. And I keep thinking about the universe and god while I jog. Should I stop running? Go back to sleeping 15 hours a day? Hm... I do not think so.

I am just saying... it was pretty weird.

Oh therapy Monday, you are such a wild and torrid day for me.

p.s.- Dear Evie J.- I already know your response but I look forward to reading it in the comments. ;-)

Posted at at 1:19 PM on February 1, 2010 by | 4 comments Links to this post | Filed under: , , ,

Things I can only think about when I am running.

Thursday I had a really hard therapy session. And I felt pretty bad afterwards and for most of Friday too. Right before my session on Thursday I jogged for 50 minutes. Yesterday I walked for about 8 miles. This morning I woke up feeling ANXIOUS and I took the dogs out for a 20 minute walk. By the time we got back it was just starting to snow and I was looking out the window for a minute wondering, "Can I jog in the snow?". I really just started jogging again and seemed a little cold... but I have so much anxiety and not much seems to help relieve it but a large dose of exercise. So I got dressed to go out running and by the time I got outside again it was really starting to snow. And I ran for 60 minutes. 61 actually because I did not really want to stop but I made myself. I had a lot of painful thoughts while I was running but the great thing is that they pass. I feel like I can tolerate thinking about the past or having memories when I am running (easier than when I am not) because I feel very 'in the present moment'. So while some of the memories are hard or painful- they come, I feel sad and then my mind goes on to the next thing. And even if I sort of get stuck around the same ideas for a bit or even feel shocked or sick- it always changes eventually. I was worried about what the weather will be like when I go to Minnesota on February 9th and will I be able to run?! When I got back this morning I had ice on my eyelashes. Yes, I will jog when I am in Minnesota.

And I was not happy about the snow this afternoon because I did not get to see my sister today, but I was happy about it later because it was a huge amount of work to shovel it away. And I am having all of these... feelings... and that is hard for me. But it is good that I am running and doing physical things instead of hurting myself (of course).

Posted at at 6:29 PM on January 30, 2010 by | 4 comments Links to this post | Filed under: ,

"My god is good in the kitchen"

The above is the drawing I have been working on... one of many I have going right now. I like that it is a huge sheet because I can fold it so that I do not have to look at all of the painfulness of it all of the time.

And I love this Tracy Chapman song. I keep listening to it over and over. I need something to counter the pain. This helps a little.


Posted at at 1:49 PM on January 28, 2010 by | 1 comments Links to this post | Filed under: , , , ,

Poem for today from "The Writer's Almanac".

Something Else

by Nin Andrews

Sometimes you say I'm something else,
and you mean I'm good, really good,
but honey, don't say that, please?
Reminds me how my dad used to say,
I'm just not myself today.
As if here were some kind of imposter dad.
Then he'd ask things like:
Why don't you go play with James?
Has the dog had his walk yet?
Will you kindly get out of my cotton-pickin' hair?
Sometimes he'd come home from work
carrying his hat and a brown paper bag,
and I'd know he wasn't my dad.
There were at least three daddies then,
sort of like daddy A, B, and C.
Like that TV show. Which will it be,
bachelor 1, 2, or 3?
My mom often said he wasn't the man
she married. And I thought about that.
How, when they were married,
I wasn't me, either. I wasn't anyone.
I didn't like to dwell on that.
It kind of gave me the creeps,
but I liked to ask,
Were you really in love then?
Of course, she'd say.
Did you hold hands?
Yes.
Kiss in public? Sit on his lap?
Yes, yes, I did all that. Once
She even showed me photos
she kept in her lingerie drawer
beneath her slips and silky things
she never wore anymore: him
in his spats and slick-shined hair,
her in a pink crinoline cocktail dress
with her long bangs clipped back
in pearly barrettes. Not a thought
in her head, except maybe
Don't I look swell? And
Love me. And he did.
Did he say so?
He said it every day.
He was something else back then.

Posted at at 10:14 AM on January 27, 2010 by | 0 comments Links to this post | Filed under: , ,

Wall drawing video.


Here is the first of the four parts of the wall drawing video. (This is the project I did in Venice during the first 3 months of last year.) The four parts add up to about 40 minutes of video. If you want to view the other three parts just click on the video above and the rest are on YouTube as well.

You can also watch the entire drawing (48 hours of working) happen in a very quick 4 minute version HERE.

"The hands which give are taking,
And the hands which take bestow:
Always the bough is breaking
Heavy with fruit or snow."

-William Soutar

Posted at at 6:16 PM on January 26, 2010 by | 1 comments Links to this post | Filed under: ,
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